Do you walk the path alone?

I haven't been on for quite some time, my life has me running in circles.  I am at that time of the year when I have hundreds of things a week going on and most overlap the others so I am at a constant rush and stressful mode. Today I had the thought come to mind, where is the help I have prayed for? At times in our life we want to question whether we are being heard and whether we are getting prayers answered.

I am not perfect so I am willing to admit I have times like this more than I would like to admit.  I have been in a state of rush, things haven't worked out well either.  I have way to much on my plate for a mother with three busy kids, a calling, taking care of other children, keeping the house clean, cooking, laundry, etc, etc.  My husband is working a schedule that isn't completely consistent and has an EMT class on top of that.  Meaning, I have to accomplish and remember everything myself.

Don't get me wrong I am grateful for his hard work, but this week I have for the first time in my life had to apologize to those relying on me for not being able to do my job, for not being able to manage it all.  It has been the worst week of my life.  I hate not being able to be to everything.  I want to be lifted when I need the help.

As these thoughts came to my mind I was quickly reminded of the Footprints poem.  I am like the person walking through life, and I am questioning my savior why he wasn't there at the toughest times in my life....for those of you who haven't read it, it is a must read.  I am at that point in my life where I only see one set of footprints....and they are not mine...my savior loves me and is carrying me through this time of my life. He is there to help make it easier.  I realized that my life could be worse, I could have so many other things going wrong, but he is protecting me and lifting me just enough to endure another day.

Today I can find just a glimpse of Joy, not Joy in myself but Joy in the fact that my Savior is there even when I can't see him.  He is there to carry me just enough to get past my trials and there to pick me up when I turn to him.

What do I have to be grateful for?

I have had a few weeks of happiness, sadness, fear, and true Joy.  I haven't had good health the last little while, while struggling to stay awake each day, and total body pain I started to bruise all over my body and my normal cuts would not heal.  I kept telling my husband I was not going to the doctor because we were waiting for our insurance to become active.

Four days before it kicked in, I was lying in bed with severe chest pain.  Not where my heart was but I was certain I was dying.  I begged my husband to wake up and give me a priesthood blessing because I was afraid my children would wake up to me dead.  After giving me a blessing that all would be well, I laid there praying to my Heavenly Father to be pain free.  Within 10 minutes the severe pain ended and I was able to sleep.  The next morning my husband went to work then left on the truck to work for the weekend.

After feeling completely sluggish all weekend I decided to attend an exercise class in hopes of more energy.  I was wrong.  As I came home, I could barely get out of the car.  I had the kids help me get to the bath so I could relax.   I was getting out of the tub as my husband got home from work.  He asked in a concerned voice, "what happened to you?" Thinking I looked worse than I felt, "I said I know I look like crap but I am so physically tired I can barely stand."  It was then that he had me lean my head down.  He noticed I had a bruise starting at my hairline going down my neck.  He thought I had been strangled.  I of course thought it was a joke but he took pictures and told me I was going to the doctor the next day.

Thinking the bruise was nothing I posted one of my pictures, probably not the best photo we had taken and asked if people would go to the doctor.  Of course all the horror came out.  Everyone felt I should so I called and told the doctor what was going on and they immediately had me go in.  I had an EKG, chest x-Ray, and blood tests done.  I had all the signs of Leukemia and Lymphoma except extreme weight loss.  The doctor was extremely worried.  The EKG was fine, my chest x-Ray showed a small lump, and I had to patiently wait for the blood tests.

The next morning I received a call that my D-Dimer level was extremely high so they were afraid I had a blood clot in my lung.  I did a CT Scan and was told there was no blood clot in my lung, and that the lump was a very enlarged lymph node.  Which causes more sign of cancers.  I waits until the following Monday to get a call to let me know I was having a reaction to my birth control, causing blood clots.  I was at a hyper-coagulate state, it is something that happens when the body is under stress, and the both control had triggered it.  When we talked about it I was told I was lucky because I had a blood clot dissolve at the base of my skull.

I knew then that because of the blessing my husband gave me my life was spared.  I could have had a stroke, heart attack, or something else happen had I not gone in and found out the birth control was causing an adverse affect.  With medication the blood clot symptoms have started to change, although my energy level is still low.

Although my health isn't perfect I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am alive, I didn't have a stroke from a blood clot that quickly dissolved at the base of my neck, I am here to raise my children, I have a loving family and awesome friends who would have been there had I had a life threatening illness, and I have a Heavenly Father who blessed me with a miracle when I needed it most.  The spirit of gratitude can bring each of us true Joy and happiness, and I am ever grateful to be me.afriad

Parenting as a failure

Parenting has always been a goal of mine.  I am not perfect at it, and believe me I have made my fair share of mistakes.  Today I had a moment where I wondered if it really is for me.  Each of my children have no drive for life or the things they enjoy.  I feel in some way they expect me to step up and perform for them.  I hate that as a parent every thing we do or don't do for our children is reflected on us.

Why can't the children be looked at and say, they didn't care enough, or they had no zeal for life?  Why is it always the parents fault or the way they were raised.  I know that I have tried to fix the areas I wished my parents were different, yet because I have weaknesses I am a failure.  I am not perfect, so why in the heck am I expected to raise perfect children? If my child chooses not to succeed can I still hold my head high, knowing it was their choice to do nothing with life?

We live in a world that is in such a fast pace.  In order for our children to excel in life we have to put them in more and at a younger age or they honestly can't compete with the other kids.  What happened to, "do the best you can"?  Does that mean I have to expect 100% out of my child every day?  No that just means if my child is only performing at 12% for the day! I have to show them it's okay to have an off day and to perform that 12% the best they can.

When we have off days, we need to recognize those instead of taking them out on our kids, so when they have an off day they can recognize it as well and know it's okay. Parenting is hard, and no one said it was easy.  Each of us are blessed with children that will be a trial and yet a blessing in their own unique way.  It is so hard to help each child become who they are meant to be, but maybe it's because we try to do it for them.

How many of you have ever asked yourself why you are on this earth?  From a gospel standpoint I could answer it quickly.  I am here to gain a body, to be tested, be baptized, to be married in the temple, repent of my sins, and strive to be better each day while helping others along the way.  Does that necessarily tell me why I am here?  Not me specifically.  I believe each of us have the same kind of journey we need to find but each of us have our own talents and strengths along with weakness and flaws.

If I were to give you my bag I was sent to earth with (talents, strengths, weaknesses, flaws) would you be able to accomplish what you were sent to do?  No, each person has a purpose in life, how many of you have ever sincerely prayed for guidance in this manner?  Have you ever asked our father in heaven what you were sent to earth to accomplish, so you can one day be perfected with Christ?  After talking with an individual about this today I felt I should ask my children the same question.

Maybe they aren't here to be the best dancer, ball player, musician, and that would lead me to ask, why are we devoting so much time and energy on doing them?  Do we let our children decide who they are?  I have let my children choose there interests because I have seen many people put their kids in activities they did and they expect 100% out of their kid because they feel they know what that kid needs to excel.  Does that truly help our child?  Does that give them the free agency that will help them to be independent?  Does it mean I am really helping my child if I let them choose, or would it be better if they sought out their purpose to help better themselves before choosing?

While failing as a parent today, I realized Joy can be felt.  Not in the big accomplishments, but in the little moments when you see your child you love and know that they are on the same kind of journey in life and they are performing the best they can.

The mirror, A NECESSARY EVIL!!!

Have you ever had one of those days, the kind when you look in the mirror and wish you hadn't? I have them far too often.  Whether it is something about my health or just me. I have really been feeling too tired.  Not just tired, I can barely stay awake during the day and I therefore struggle to enjoy the way I appear in the mirror.   I fight all day long to have the kind of energy needed to perform my motherly, babysitting, and maid services each day.

How do you figure out what is making the mirror seem so un-appealing?  I hate when I hear people say if you are living as you should you won't get down on yourself.  It makes me wonder if those people ever get into a rut...do they honestly love themselves for who they are all the time?  I don't believe it's out of reach, but I believe it's hard to get to a point in life when you feel that way.  We all have struggles with our personal self, otherwise people wouldn't stress over exercise, makeup, hair, etc

Well my mirror is anything but wonderful.  It doesn't always show me that I have outer beauty and it has no way of showing the inner beauty.  I guess for me the hard part is when I feel I don't measure up to my ideal, then I don't see what I can offer.  Does each mirror show our individual worth?  Can we be worth more than the perfect looking individuals the world shows us?  Yes most definitely....when we take the time to gain a relationship with our father in heaven, we can see more of what we have to offer.  We can all choose to love what we see, and make little changes where we fill need help.  We can still exercise, put makeup on, do our hair, but we can know that we are beautiful because someone loved us enough to create something amazing.

Today as I looked in the mirror, I saw a mother who resembled the way I felt: tired, ugly, fat, unappreciated, unloved, the list goes on for forever.  It was then that I realized the mirror is not my friend, and I didn't want to take any extra amounts of time in front of it.  Just as those thoughts entered I gazed over to my son and wonderful girl I babysit and they both smiled and wanted a hug.  Each child wanted a kiss on the cheek and would not let go.  I felt guilty for all those negative thoughts I had come to my mind as I looked in the mirror. I knew the mirror didn't show both sides of me but those that love me see I am beautiful, maybe not on a physical sense but one that says I am worth a hug.

If every one of us would look through our childhood eyes, we would see such a better view.  We wouldn't see the imperfections we hold, we wouldn't notice other imperfections either, we would love unconditionally, and forgive a lot easier. The mirror doesn't show all of our beauty, it only shows us what we think about our physical self.  Is it enough to just see the outer beauty, no.  We need to look within, and just be grateful for all that we are.

The mirror is definitely an evil necessity, it shows the good and the bad, but without it we would never be able to see all the beauty we have to offer.  Today, I am looking in the mirror with a different perspective, I am going to look for the good instead of the bad.  Today I am finding Joy by looking in the mirror.

Sunrise, after a lifetime of darkness

Have you ever woken up to the light?  That sudden burst of warmth as the darkness fades?  The way that the light can engulf your whole being and just make the day better?  What kind of light am I referring too?  There are all forms of light: the kind you turn on with a switch, light from a fire, the sun, the stars, or moon, or how about the light that comes from our Savior?

Just like when the sun rises in the morning and brightens up the sky, our Savior can offer a light that brings more warmth to the soul than anything ever imaginable.  He has offered so much to each of us, and all he asks is that we do our best, go to him to repent of our sins, follow his teachings, and turn to him in times of good and bad.  What a remarkable gift he offered to each of us.

I think of what it was like the day he was resurrected.   I can not even fathom the light and warmth it offered to his followers.  To see him truly come back and be a witness that he had suffered and died for us and made it possible for each of us to return. I long for his return! and I can only hope to share in the light he will bring.

I am not perfect, I have lived a life on both sides of the fence.  I have made choices that at times have drowned me in the darkness around.  Darkness like light can mean many things, depression, hopeless, lost, alone, without light, scared, and the list could go on for miles.  I have tasted this bitterness that comes as consequences for my choices, and I don't think anyone on the earth can completely go without times of darkness, even if it's only in the shadows. It is something I am not proud of but it is also one of the best blessings in life.

When in darkness we seek the light.  We want something better and begin to change.   We start to come out of the shadows longing for the warmth of the light.  Through our change we are able to become true followers of Christ.  We can overcome our shortcomings, we can be forgiven for our wrongs, we can feel that our Savior loves us, and we can strive to stay in the light from that time forward.  This light is brighter than the sun at noon, it brings warmth and peace to the soul, it can heal all wounds.

Today I have focused on my life and where I have spent it.  Have I done what I was sent here to do, have I followed that straight path that will take me to an eternity of happiness? I noticed, I along with everyone else lives a life of darkness.  We struggle to make correct choices all the time.  We can lose our way and find our way back and then still fall when tempted.  As I realized I have lived a life of darkness. I also realized that the Sunrise at the end of those dark days was brighter than the engulfing darkness.  The good has outweighed the bad.

How can we truly know the light if we haven't been in darkness?  We would not know the warmth of the Sun if it had never cut through the shadows of the night, and showered its greatness upon the day. We are truly blessed people.  Our Savior gives us constant hope of light.  He loves us and wants us to be happy, not just for now but for an eternity...today I can find Joy, for my journey amidst the darkness has a sunrise that can show the way.  It is bright enough to fade the darkness and it is my Savior.

8 years of loss

Today I feel it important to tribute my brother who is no longer on his earthly journey.  8 years ago today, my younger brother took his life.  It was a day I shall never forget.  The night before, we had started a family fast for a different brother who had decided to take the same journey as Joe.  They were both addicted to alcohol and tobacco.  They had made one bad choice after another, but that never changed our love for them as a family.  We had many fast previous for Joe, but felt this time we needed to focus on another.

This particular night my brothers went to a party to drink.  They drank far to much and after a long night came home, my brother Joe had his girlfriend.  They had been fighting all night, and although we do not know personally what it was about we had many others from the party tell us.  On the way home, Joe sat in the front seat and asked my other brother to play a song on the CD.  The title is Untitled, by Simple Plan.  It is a very sad song, that portrays my brothers feeling to a T.  The writer is sick of this life and feels they are not able to be forgiven for what they have done wrong, as the song goes on it tells us he just wants to leave.  The song is one I listen to often, and only to feel a connection with my brother his last day of life.

Because of his depression, depression medications, the drinking, the fight, financial issues my brother decided he was not doing us any good.  He chose to take his life. He chose to leave us and this world behind.  Although it was a tragedy, our love for him is still the same.  Do I question if I will see him again or if he is going to hell? No because I know he was a person who always put others ahead of himself, He showed unconditional love, he worked hard, and did the best he could, and he has the same opportunity I have...to be forgiven.

I loved my brother more than life.  Throughout my childhood he was always one of my best friends.  He was always there to back me up, to lean on, to listen, to be a friend, you name it he was amazing.  Each family member had he opportunity of talking to my brother the last weeks of his life and he made sure he told each of us that he loved us.  I believe his self sacrifice was because he felt he was doing what was best for us.  Although we loved him, he felt we would be better off without him here.

Since his death all of my family members have had a personal experience with my brother Joe, except me.  I asked my husband why he felt I haven't had an experience with him, and his thoughts were completely different than mine.  I have felt inadequate, I felt that I may not mean as much to him as he did to me! I have felt that I am not good enough.  For 8 years I have let myself question me, but I don't need too.

His son was born on my birthday 9 months after his death, a son he had no idea he was having, a piece of him.  I can look at him and see his father, and I know his father is helping watch over him. Because I have chosen to have his son a large part of my life, I always have the opportunity to be with Joe.  It is physical, a living piece of the puzzle, his son.  I know Joe is there, and that he loves each one of us.  He is there when I am in need just like I was there when ever he needed me.  All I have to do is be thankful that my family had the chance to share 23 amazing years of my brother's journey called life.  I know if I need to see him, I can look into the light of his son and know he is there, and that is the best experience with my brother I can have.

My brother may not have lived a perfect life, but he didn't need too, he was loved for being him.  He is greatly missed.  I think of him daily and wonder what he is doing, where he would be if he were here, and how awesome of a father he would be to his son.  He is a missing link in my life, but through his loss I can hope for his return.  I can remember the memories that can never be replaced, and know that he will never be forgotten.  8 years of loss can also bring Joy to me, for through my Savior we all have a chance!

Through CHRIST, my WORTH is found

It never ceases to amaze me, how many woman struggle with themselves as a whole.  I have heard many times, if they were living in a way pleasing to our Heavenly Father, they would know of their worth and they wouldn't feel that way.  I don't agree with that statement, well not entirely.  I do believe if we know we are a daughter of God, and we have a true testimony of our purpose here and in the next life it makes it a whole lot easier.  I also know that some of the best people out there struggle with self worth.  Not all the time, but life and stress can make us question, am I worth it?

Am I worth it?  I don't believe we all wake up, whether living righteous or not, and automatically look in the mirror with that uh huh attitude, and think I am so worth it...but I know that because of my savior I can say, "with the help of my Savior, I can find worth in myself!".  I have always struggled with different aspects of self worth, sometimes it's not being beautiful enough, smart enough , righteous enough, sometimes it might be that I am not a good wife, or I feel like a failure as a mother.  Each one of us has our own struggles to overcome to feel enough worth to strive for an eternity with our loved ones.

I am constantly making choices in my life that will enable an easier life.  A life where I have less to be forgiven for, where I can truly meet my maker and let him know I love him and I am a true follower.  In order to feel my worth as a person, I need to make a personal goal to draw me closer to the savior.  One where I can feel of his love for me and his willingness to suffer for me personally.  Is it truly possible?  Of course, but it doesn't come easily.  When we pray we rarely receive answers without putting work into action.  Here is an example: maybe we live in a circumstance where we need a job, and we can constantly pray for help to change our circumstances, but until we realize that in order for Heavenly Father to answer us we have to get our there and choose to change our circumstances to receive the answer, it may never come.

Nothing in life comes for free except the light of Christ, which was given to every living soul at the time of birth.  Through our Savior we can know all things.  We can know how wonderful we are, and know that their is purpose in our life and what we are doing.  As a mother I am constantly bombarded with the question, "am I doing the best I can with my kids, or am I failing every chance I get?"  I know when I see special things, or hear a special prayer from my child that although I may be falling short, my Savior is filling in where I am not capable of succeeding.  We can all know that we are of worth by the warmth in our heart as we do our best, knowing we put 100% into it.

Today I am relying on my Savior.  He is there for each of us, and when we feel like we can endure no more, if we turn to him he will lift us and carry us a bit further until we can continue on our own.  I have found so much Joy in myself through striving to gain a personal relationship with my savior, and today I am going to strive to be a truly follower of Christ.

Speak, he is listening

This blog post will probably only resonate with those who believe in a higher being.  I do! I believe we had a beginning, I am in the middle of my eternal journey, and one day I will be able too see my Heavenly Father again, and hopefully be found worthy enough to live an eternity with those I love.  While thinking of the many topics going through my head tonight, I was struggling to pick just one.  As I began my post a thought came to my head, "Pray he is there, speak he is listening, you are his child, his love now surrounds you", for those of you who don't attend an LDS Ward the line comes from one of our primary songs, A Child's Prayer.

It is actually one of my favorite church songs.  I have gone through times in my life where my best friend is my Heavenly Father.  I have relied on him to listen, to plead with, to humble myself, and to answer my prayers.  We all go through periods where we rely on the world more than the one who is creator.  It is at these times that I noticed my prayers become redundant and meaningless.  I seem to go through more of the motion than sincerely speaking to my father in heaven.

Each night we come together as a family, and at this time each of our children will say their individual prayers and then we will alternate family prayer.  I listen intently to each of the prayers.  I have children at different roads in life, so it gets interesting while listening to them.  Last week I noticed as a parent when I am not as close to my father in heaven as I should be, that I want to rush myself and the others in my family along with prayer.  Not only I go though it, but at times I have heard a few of our family members in a rush mood during prayer.

One of my children seems to take a 15 minute increment of time to finish his prayer.  One particular night it was late and we were all moody. I had the desire to tell him to hurry, and at that moment I felt something come over me.  I just listened. I was overcome with the spirit.  I knew that my child had a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father.  It was then, I knew something with our prayers needed to change.

The next night my husband was home with us, and one of my sons started his prayer.  He began to bless some little things.  Some of which seemed silly and started giggles in the room.  It was then that I noticed my husband get almost angry, and he told my son he didn't need to pray for those kinds of things.  I stopped my son for a moment, looked at my husband and said, "what are we teaching our children, if we don't let them have a relationship with their Heavenly Father? Even though we know he knows us and our hearts desires he wants to listen to us, and if we don't teach them they can pray for all things they won't rely on him as they should", then urged my son to finish.

Although we still had giggles, the prayers were different that night.  We didn't focus so much on just getting the prayer said or what should or shouldn't be said, but we let our children know that they could pray for everything and our Heavenly Father would listen.  In the last week, each of my children's prayers have taken on more meaning and feeling.  I can feel their sincerity and I know they are being heard, and my children know they will be answered.  Even our 5 year old takes time to pray with pure intent.  It is amazing to hear a child say their own prayer and remember things we might rush through or overlook.

Today I am finding Joy in my everyday prayers.  I can talk to my creator about everything, and I can gain a relationship with my Heavenly Father, and through my prayers I am reassured that he hears and answers me when the timing is right.  Joy can be felt when I know he loves me and I am reassured I am his daughter.

Walking through life with optimistic goggles

We all know someone who walks through life, who seems to be wearing optimistic goggles at all times.  I don't just mean they have a great attitude, but they have the ability to see life in a whole new way.  They don't see all the negative thoughts and emotions, or physical appearance like others do. They see something that the naked I can not even perceive.  They are those who know what unconditional love is.

How would it be to wake up each morning with optimistic glasses? Would we judge our physical appearance, would we focus on our brands of clothes, would we worry if we have as much or more then the neighbors, would we be able to see the good in others?  I love comparing adults to children...when kids get in fights they unconditionally forgive.  When adults get in fights you may never be friends with someone ever again.  Kids can tell someone they look beautiful even when an adult will judge someones appearance.  Kids might tell a lie but heir conscience usually gets the best of them and they break down and tell the truth, I know adults that brag about being able to come up with a lie on the spur of the moment.  Kids have optimistic goggles, but it's through our example that the glass begins to crack and they see people the way the world wants us to.

I would just love to wake up in the morning and be able to see past my family's as well as my own flaws.  It would be awesome to see only the good in others, or see someone who may not be appealing on the outside and be able to say they are beautiful for their attitude and standards.  I think we all have days where we have begun the day wearing our goggles, but tight  as they may be we live in a world that's judges others.  Can we overcome the world we are surrounded by?  Can we focus on the good, forgive others, be honest, and truly love those around us?

We have a perfect example of this, our Savior.  He not only was ridiculed by almost everyone he knew or met, but he unconditionally loved us all.  He gave all, he blessed even those that cursed him, and he loved all of us. I want to be like my Savior.  It is hard to be perfect, but I know if I can start each day wearing my goggles, for at least a moment in time I can see the good the world offers.  If we would all see something wonderful our world would be such a better place to live. I think the goggles could be compared to an innocent spirit; One who is just born, free from sin, free from all judgement.  As a child we love all those around us, we accept others fort who they are, and all the new things in life bring us Joy.

Today I am wearing my optimistic goggles.  I am looking for the good, I am going to try to forgive those that wrong me, I am going to be even more honest, and I am going to strive to love others for
the good they can offer.  I can find Joy in a world that is so beautiful when I myself can see that there is beauty in everything.

Living my dreams through my kids

What does it mean to live my dreams through my kids?  Well there are definitely two definitions to this....one: pushing and expecting your kids to be good and even excel at the talents you had growing up, only you push them from a younger age because you didn't have that opportunity, second: seeing that through your children's success you are living dreams and accomplishing all you wish you could have but never had the opportunity or talent to do so.

My personal definition is he second.  I don't want nor do I expect my children to be just like me or my husband.  I look back at my life at times, and I think about all the time and effort I placed on things that never got me anywhere in life.  I mean on a personal level.  Yes I still have those talents, but they didn't take me to anything special.  I have so many goals in life that I could have possibly reached if I had put more effort in the things that really matter to me and my eternal journey.

I will admit I did pretty good with what I set out to do, I enjoyed sports, and made just about every team.  It kept me busy, but I had my head on my shoulders when I was younger so regardless of participating it would not have affected my morals.  I just think back and wonder why I focused so much time when I really didn't intend on becoming a professional athlete.  It was then that I realized I played sports because I was confident in my abilities, and I loved having my parents come and cheer me on.  I was living my dreams for the moment and that is what made them so happy.

My children are all so different but each one has talents that set them apart from each other and other extended family members.  I don't force my kids to play sports because we have good athletes on my husband's or my side of the family.  I don't believe in making my child feel they need to live up to someone elses strengths.  I just love watching them succeed at the things they love and are good at.  My kids are already working for eternal goals because I have let them choose their dreams, and have taught them it's not just the temporal goals they need to focus on.

My daughter is pretty much the exact opposite from me.  She is definitely more of a dancer/beauty pageant type of girl.  Yes I encourage her to be her best at what she is doing, but it is only because I can see at times she hasn't reached her full potential.  It is through her and my sons' adventures that I have found I can live the life I never thought possible. I do at times encourage my children to try many new things, why? Because when I look back, I realize I didn't venture much, I didn't try a lot of new things so I could have had more choices to choose from.  I guess I felt the things I was good at were my only potential.

I am living the dreams I never would have chosen for myself, but through my children I am becoming more than I ever thought possible.  Whether it's watching a sport venue or a dance competition my main goal is to create a good experience for my kids.  I want them to be able to look back at life, just as I do, and be able to see that there was good in the time they put forth.  I want them to see they put in so much time and effort to be the best them that they could be and not think of wasted time, but think of how happy they made their parents each time they enJoyed what they were doing.   I want them to be able to say they chose the sports or dance they performed.  I want them to know it was their dream they were living.

My children are growing fast, and everyday I wonder where the time has gone.  Through my children's dreams I am living up to my personal best because I know I helped create this talented beautiful person...I can find Joy in living my dreams through my children, and not just any dream, the kind that seems so far out of reach....because they are not my dreams, they are my children's.

What's your passion?

Have you ever stopped to think about your passion in life? I have noticed as I get older there are few and far between times when I can look back and notice I was really trying for the passion I have in life.  I think it depends merely on our priorities in life.  When we are in high school we focus on being the smartest in school, the best athlete, the best musician, the best cheerleader or dancer, etc etc...our thoughts are on more of a personal level, and this way of life continues until we marry.

When you marry you take on another individual's  passion for life, along with your own and try to find balance between them.  It changes once again when you start a family.  You start focusing more on your children and helping them find their passion for life.  We still strive to be our best, but our goals get rearranged to provide the best way of life for our family.

As a mother, I have forgotten that as I set my own goals in life I must strive for them now.  I can't put off myself or I will struggle later in life, when I am once again more alone.  I have decided to get myself back in school.  I want to finish my degree and get a job where I can be home for kids but also  have a personal life.  I want to show my kids how important an education is in life, and how important it is to always work for the things I want in life...but along the same sense I want my kids to see that being their mother is more important than $$$.  I could go a life without any extras, if I helped create hardworking children and family loving parents.

My passion in life has changed so much since I met my husband, but my main goals in life have always stayed the same.  The goals that have remained the same are my spiritual goals.  The only constant in my life is my religion and the testimony I have of my Savior.  Does this mean this is my passion for life? Does it make it any easier to try to live a perfect life?  It means that it is a passion I deem most worthy, but technique lily not the only one.   Unfortunately feeling this way doesn't mean I won't go through trials and struggles.  I will still have to find my way through life.  I will still have to struggle to keep that passion for life alive.  I will have to find ways to focus on what means the most, and I will have to strive to have a relationship with my Savior.  I want an eternal family, and in order to have that, I must let go of the natural man and take hold of something remarkable.  Something I have not physically seen, but feel as I envision an eternity with my companion and children.

Today passion for life will take on a whole new meaning...it won't be what I can accomplish and be the best at, it will be if I am striving for my passion in life a little more each day....if I can find Joy in the fact that although I know where I want to be headed, I know I will lose my way and can still pick myself off, brush it off and try even harder.

Am I prepared?

Am I prepared? Prepared for what you say? Life, the future, for major catastrophe, for an emergency, for life after this...the list could go on forever.  I have been talking about this kind of stuff with my kids.  I am a religious person, a Mormon, and I believe it is getting near to my Saviors second coming.  I know that there will be many events happening, and I have started to wonder, am I prepared? Not just on a personal level but on a spirit level as well.

While contemplating this question, I felt a little unprepared.  I will admit, I started to flash my life through my mind and wondered if I had taken care of repentance, if I had a testimony of Christ, if I was a valiant follower of Christ.  Do people know who I am and what I stand for, do I do my best to help those around me?  I would like to think yes, but there are so many places I have fallen short.

The best part about what I believe is no one is expected to be perfect because through Christ we all may be made perfect.  We are just expected to try to improve daily and put the best effort we can.  I didn't really understand this as a child, I felt I had to be perfect because I knew what was right, and then each time I would make a mistake I felt I had no chance.  Only over the last few years have I really started to gain an understanding of my father in heaven and what he expects of me.  I have had many opportunities to find Christ and through him I have already over came so many obstacles.

I can never thank him enough for his sacrifices.  I have studied about his journey when he went to Gethsemene, when I stood near by asking him to take my sins, pains, and sorrows upon himself.  At times I feel so unworthy of this blessing, but when I think of the Savior and the unconditional love he had for each of us, I can somehow feel of worth.

I am a daughter of god, and I am imperfect, but I know that I will continue to strive to be better each day.  I will do my best to be prepared and not just as an individual but as a mother.  I will help my children find there way back to my father in heaven.  I will help them anyway I can.  I will try to prepare a family so they can be together forever.

Life isn't always easy, it throws forks in the road all around us, and I am ever grateful for the commandments we have been given.  Commandments are signs that help keep me moving in the right direction.  I do not feel they are in anyway a rule.  I have the choice to choose to follow the sign or take another path.  I know my father in heaven will help me in anyway he can, but still allow me my freedom to choose.

I can choose to look at life and it's situations and decide to always be prepared or hope that
I can do as little as possible and still get by.  My parents have always had an overly large garden, and at times we have all question why on earth they would need so much food.  It is through their example that I have realized it is better to be over prepared then to fall short.  If we over prepare we will never be looking for more, we will be able to help others when they need it. We will be able to feel relief when others are feeling the stress of being unprepared and trying to rush through the steps needed to be to the final act in life.

Today I am trying to get myself more prepared so when the day of my savior is, I will be prepared every way possible.  I will find Joy in my preparation so I when I meet my savior, I will be able to hear the words I long for most, "well done my faithful servant".  Are you prepared?

En"JOY" your kids

Although nothing seemed to work perfectly today, we managed to pull through and enjoy each other.  Have you ever noticed that life gets in the way and you can find yourself forgetting to enjoy your children? How many of you actually take the time to do something enjoyable with your kids? I am not meaning watching TV or watching them participate in a sporting event or dance competition...I mean really enjoy your kids.

At times other adults think I am immature because I really enjoy getting out and spending time with my kids, and not just my kids all the neighbors kids as well.  I remember as a child having my dad coming outside and playing sports with us, it gave us the drive to be better, and it was always a blast.  I even remember my mom coming out to play house with us in our playhouse.  Those memories are un replaceable.   I have always wanted my kids to know I love them and the things they enjoy, and I want them to see that personal time with them without electronic devises is more important.

Today we decided to get our basketball hoop out.  Instead of putting it in our driveway like the average people, we decided to take it out on the street where the neighbors could come out and play with us.  We had so much fun enjoying the sun, and although at times the competitive attitudes got in the way of the enjoyment we actually had some fun.  My kids and the neighbors were enjoying time with an adult.  When I spend time with the kids, it never ceases to amaze me, one of them always makes a comment on how nice it is to have mom play with them.  At times other children will say how they wish their parents would go out and play with them as well, or they state they wish they would do it more often.

Do we rush through life and forget the enjoyment we had as a child?  Did growing up mean we couldn't go out and truly have fun doing the same things we did as a child? I hope that I never get that stage in life where I am too tired or too busy to play with my kids.  I don't think it's necessary every day, but making it a point to set time aside each week to enjoy my kids has made such a difference in my parenting and my patience for my children.  I can really see where my kids need extra help, whether in a sport or attitude towards others while playing.

I can actually get on a personal level with them.  Kids open up so much more when you can get down on their level.  Have you ever thought you wish you knew what was going on with your kids?  Or maybe you just wondered what they were thinking.  Either way, if you get out and take time to do something fun with them, they are more likely to come to you when they are in need of advise or maybe they will just love you enough to respect you because you respected your relationship to put them first.  Kids learn from our actions more than our words.  If we can show them we enjoy life, that we enjoy them, and we enjoy things that they do, they will be able to do the same with us and others in their lives.

Today was a great day just because I found en"JOY"ment while playing with my kids.  Today I remembered how much I enjoyed playing ball and how good I was.  I had the opportunity to coach and cheer my kids on, and that is what real Joy is for a mother.

Struggles help us reach the light

Sometimes life can seem so hard, and sometimes we think it's too hard.  Do we stop to think what are struggles for doing for us?  Do we think without struggles life would be wonderful? Do you ever wonder if you lived another's life that our life would be so much easier?

I have times in my life where I think that I can no longer endure anymore, and I want to give up.  I also have times in my life where I think it would be a lot easier to enjoy an easy life.  Those thoughts have come and gone through life, but it's when I overcome life's troubles that I can look back and see that if the struggles hadn't happened I wouldn't be where I am today.  I can see that the struggles helped lift me to something higher, and I became a better person because I endured it the whole way through.

Each one of us are going to go through adversity. Each one of us are going to have days that seem like they are never going to end. Each of us will face times of sin, illness, stress, heartache, and loss, it's how we endure and continue putting forth our best effort that will determine how we get though it.  The ways we push through the struggle will determine who and what we will become.

This week I have been watching the Olympics.  It is always amazing for me.  I share in their joys, and sadness.  I love hearing the triumphant stories of life that brought them to the Olympics.  While watching I observed so many with stories of tragedy, when it seemed like they were on the top of their game. It's when you see them at another Olympic, trying to overcome the struggles they had , showing that they still believe in themselves, that you can feel so much empathy for them.

Noelle Pikus-Pace is one of those athletes that just missed out of a medal at her last Olympics, but decided she could still do it and have a chance to be the best.  Her story was amazing.  A woman who shares my faith, and yet I can relate to so much with her story.  She won the silver medal this year in the skeleton.  She came out and tried her best, and knew that she could be the best. With the help of her family she triumphed in the end, and it was good enough to be second.  Her attitude would have been great had she not won a medal but it helped validate the struggles she and her family have been through.

We must all be knocked down, covered with darkness and struggle through it to find the light.  What is the light? For some it will be just an easier day, for me it's a chance to be with my Heavenly Father and Savior.  I have been through so many trials, some self inflicted, and I am still struggling to find the light, at times I have had glimpses, but it is a struggle I am grateful for.  I have grown so much, and at my lowest times I know I can always turn to my father in Heaven to be there to listen to me and send help when needed.  I am a better person each day that I endure and make the choice to improve.  I can find Joy in the fact that although I may not feel I am in the light, I have it within reach and I am striving daily to be the daughter my Heavenly Father wants me to be.

It's been one of those days...

It's been one of those days, where you would rather stay in bed, enjoy your family nestled under a warm blanket drinking cocoa. A day where it would be easier to face the covers than life itself.  What could possibly get me to join the land of the living?

I have a duty each day, I am a mother, and I am in charge of another person's child during the day....I have something amazing to do today.  Today is Valentine's day, it is a special day.  Why you might ask, not because I receive flowers, which I was surprised to see my husband bring me some home, but because it's a day where we can shower our loved ones with the words valentines or gifts.  It doesn't have to cost money but what matters is it comes from the heart.  Although it is the day of love, I gave my children the worst morning before school.  No one could get a move on, The boys were running late and unprepared and Today I was going to get myself ready which had to be pushed aside to assemble the children. Seems like a normal morning except everyone was crying and feeling picked on.

I felt like I had ruined the opportunity for them to enjoy such a meaningful day.  Just then my youngest came home from the school on the bus. He said mom,"happy Valentine's Day I love you".  What a simple phrase but so profound for a 5 year old to say to someone who was feeling down on them self, wondering about all the ways they were a failure.   I had decorated the kids doors after they left and had wrote special notes telling them how much they meant to me.  I was in hopes it would even out the day.  Each child cried when they read the notes and it totally made my day.

Today is a special day just because I can find joy that my kids and spouse know that I truly love them and they love me regardless of myself, and my short comings.  Today is a short post but it means a lot.

Family, WE can be a lot happier than ME

Family is a huge word, so many different feelings, emotions, words can come to mind depending on the person hearing the word.  I found this quote amongst my reading this week and it really got me thinking.

When I read this I started to wonder if I was giving the atmosphere where my family members could flourish.  At times we all get moving in our own direction and want those around us to move at the same pace, focusing on our end result.  Do we stop to think of that person as an individual? Do we really appreciate their differences? Do our family members have an open communication? Are we nurturing to our family and their needs?

Last night I had a family member get upset at another because they were not moving as fast as the individual thought they should be moving, it ended in a fight, one that didn't need to happen.  The one individual was moving true to his nature slow and steady without a care in the world, the other was only thinking of themselves and the fact that they needed to get up early so they expected the slower person to care only for their needs.

So many times in a family setting we think we are focusing on others and really we are so self involved that we don't realize we are the one causing all the conflict.  Family means more than one, so we can not focus on one individual or their needs if we want a happy and pleasant environment.  I am not saying as a parent to be passive but we need to stop and think about our motives.  I know as a mother, who has to keep track of so much, that from time to time I rush my family along so I can keep my schedule in my mind moving.  I can forget that certain people don't move in such a manner, and others need to move in an even quicker pace.  

I want my children to have the type of communication, with me and their family members, that will enable them to talk through their problems and situations.  If I don't try to understand my children are individuals and my husband and I are so different, I would probably get caught up in he ME SCENARIO.

What is the ME SCENARIO? It's when we think of ourselves, our needs, what works best for us, we focus on the way we do things and think it's the only way to do it, we become so self involved that we forget that in order for our family and us as an individual to truly be happy in a family setting me must put 110% into the relationship.  Yes there is an I in family, but it doesn't stand alone, it is right in the middle.  Family can only exist when everyone in the family is trying to make it work for everyone.  We must give and take where it is needed but realize that you can't expect love and respect if you yourself cannot do just that.  You must be able to contribute to your strengths but give opportunities for others to shine as well.

Family is one of the greatest blessing in life, and today for me to have Joy in me, I must become more involved in the FAMILY SCENARIO, and not get involved in the ME SCENARIO.  I can't get caught up in the me when I have an individual around me who is, I must help them see that WE can be a lot happier than ME.

Gratitude

After the crazy weekend I have had I felt it best to have a day of gratitude...instead of focusing on me and what I need to fix I need to focus on all the good in my life.  Each year when Thanksgiving comes around we start a gratitude journal.  We are supposed to write 10 different things each night that we are grateful for.  At first that task seems hard.  It's easy the first day to list your family members, home, perhaps religion, the Savior, etc etc....but as the week progresses you really have to stop and focus on life around you. If you continue to do it you start to notice you have so much more to be grateful for that you become more optimistic and forget some of life's struggles that seem to weigh us down.

I wasn't very good about keeping up with mine this year, so I decided to start fresh.  Sometimes we have to experience a situation that makes us realize we won't be here forever to realize we aren't as appreciative for our everyday life.  I have always love the quote, "What if we woke up today with only the things that you thanked God for yesterday?".  It is such a profound statement that can really make you think about the kind of person you are.  Do you rush through a prayer, do you thank our Heavenly Father for all that you have or do you race through a prayer with an almost ritual of a prayer? Do we focus on our needs, or maybe the needs of others?  Do you ever just say thank you?

As a Monday tradition we hold Family Home Evening.  Like most nights it becomes quite the struggle to get my kids to remain calm and still for the 15-30 minutes we prepared.  We talked about the plan of Happiness.  For those of you who may not be a Mormon I will give a quick overview. Before we came to earth we lived in heaven, where we chose to come to earth and have a savior redeem us from our sins and pains of this world, through accepting him, his sacrifice and repenting we have the opportunity to return to heaven to live with our family and Heavenly Father for an eternity....the final question we asked was, "why is it called the plan of happiness?".  No one could answer because of course no one was listening.  The answer is simply that we will be with the ones we love most.  What a simple as wet but it means so much.

This week is Valentine's day, so we decided we would write valentine cards for everyone in our family telling each other why we love them.  We are doing this because we want to always strive for the plan of happiness, but we also want our family members to feel how grateful we are for them and what they contribute to in our lives.

Today I challenged myself to one 30 minutes prayer a week thanking my Heavenly Father for the things in life he has blessed me with.  I am going to take time each day to let those in my life know I love them and want them to be part of my life for an eternity, and in the end I will have Joy in me.

Pieces to the puzzle...

Life is so complex, almost like a puzzle without an end photo to put it together.   We have all the pieces out in front of us, which ones to use, which place to start, how many times will the pieces not quite come together?  Each of us find a way to live day to day putting pieces together, sometimes it seems like it takes forever to get it moving along, and sometimes we wish we could slow it down.

Like a jigsaw puzzle not all of the pieces fit together, some of us would like to fit another's puzzle piece into ours and it doesn't always work the way we pictured.  We are meant to inter join others along the journey called life, but we don't know how are pieces will fit together.  Sometimes it's through family, a job, church leadership, maybe friendship, maybe through your children you meet another parent and hit it off.  Whatever the scenario we are constantly moving and exiting others lives.  When the puzzle pieces don't fit we seek out another venue.

I have had so many wonderful people in my life, and each one has played a role in putting my puzzle together.  I still have childhood friends I stay in contact with and I have new friends that have made it feel like they were part of the puzzle all along.  Each person has helped me decide what kind of picture my puzzle will turn out to be. The choices I have made have changed the feature from time to time but I know that it will eventually be finished and perfected in its own way.  One day I will have the opportunity to see the masterpiece in which all those in my life have helped me create.  I will see the beauty is all areas, and I will see that when the struggles happened the view was more magnificence when I overcame them.

I have had such a crazy weekend, one where I have noticed that life is short, where I need to help others more, where I need to show my appreciation for all that I have and will receive in the future.  I had the opportunity to attend my church's stake conference where I renewed my testimony for my Savior, and my role to Come a unto Christ...I was able to be present for our ward YW New Beginnings program where we learned about how we are all diamonds in the rough, we all are children of god, imperfect but through life, trials, and continuous progress, repentance, and endurance we can be made into the perfect jewel.  I have added many new pieces to my puzzle, pieces I had lying around but didn't know how to connect them.

I am making my masterpiece one piece at a time, the pieces will eventually fit perfectly together.  Just like in life, if we take each day one at a time, if we focus on the good, if we will be able to do our best to help others complete their puzzle we will find missing pieces to our own puzzle.  Today I am going to continue to piece together the puzzle called life.  I am going to take time to be grateful for each of those pieces, the ones I may not like or be proud of and the ones that have brought me unmeasurable amounts of Joy.  I am going to try to look for those pieces I have missing under the pile, the ones that get pushed aside for another day, today there is Joy in life.

"The reward in a puzzle isn't the completion, but the journey in how it comes together.  The pieces you decide to begin with and how you choose to put it together, is what makes a single puzzle unique to each person...I call this Puzzle, LIFE!"  C.K.R

Life can end at any moment...

Life can be short or long, but no matter how you look at it none of us know exactly when our time will end.  Life can end at any moment, are you living each second like its your last, or are you so involved in what is going on that you put off today what can be done tomorrow?  I have moments where I go between both of these.

Last night we had a pretty big scare.  My daughter and I have nut allergies, I am allergic to pecans and walnuts, she is allergic to peanuts.  We both have different reactions, as a kid people would feed my daughter things with peanuts or peanut butter, and because she didn't go into anaphylactic shock they assumed I made it up...maybe they didn't realize that for weeks we would be in and out of the doctors, put on Benadryl, and eventually after it worked its way through her system she would be fine. Her allergy has progressed to the point where she must carry around an Epi-pen.  I have had anaphylactic reactions every time I've been exposed to the nuts I am allergic too. Although I need an Epi-pen I have never carried one around for me.  I am overly cautious with my life because of some horrible reactions at a young age that almost took my life.

After the kids came home from school, my son wanted to eat some cookies that I had on the top shelf of the pantry.  My husband bought these cookies at a cookie company, and he said he skimmed the package for nut and didn't notice any, so he asked the cashier and she said no there were no nuts in those cookies.  My son came in to my room and wanted me to taste them to see if they tasted good.  I agreed but because of my allergy I took a little crumb off the side.  I told him I didn't like the flavor but maybe he would like them.  I went into the kitchen to load dishes, and within 1 minute I noticed  a tickling feeling on my tongue and throat.  Calmly I asked my kids to run and grab the package so I could check the ingredients.  I kept washing the dishes and no one was grabbing the package, so I quickly stopped and started to walk toward my bedroom, my daughter was reading the package and sure enough one of the first ingredients was Pecans...she realized I was in trouble and yelled it out to everyone.

At this point half of my tongue had turned a pale pinkish white and began swelling, and the back of my tongue was completely swollen.  I tried to remain calm and asked the kids to grab me Benadryl immediately.  My family went into panic mode, tearing open any cupboard or drawer with medicine, and just then I was prompted to go into my bathroom and it would be in the back of the top drawer. Sure enough there it was.  I had my daughter get me water and I immediately took 2, with a struggle getting them past my tongue, and called the doctor. They told me to rush over in case the reaction didn't get better.  Sadly to say, we were already in a rush to get to parents teacher conference, and I was struggling to get enough air in, so my husband took me to the doctor where we had my dad meet us, so my kids could still make there appointments.

The wait was horrible, but I noticed the Benadryl was helping the swelling in my tongue to remain less swollen.  Because I rarely go to the doctors I had to fill out paperwork before I could be seen, and I was struggling not to pass out, my dad and husband kept complaining that they were making me do paperwork when this is life threatening.  As soon as I gave them my paperwork they rush me back and gave me a shot of diphenhydramine, there is a generic word starts with Demi, anyways it's a steroid that helps slow the reaction.  My tongue wasn't closing off my throat because of the Benadryl but my oxygen was dropping and my heart rate which is usually around 40 was at 63 so they decided to give me an Epi-pen, and they left me in a room and kept checking on me, within 5 minutes My heart rate was up to 89 and I was so dizzy that they moved me to a different area closer to the back door in case they needed to transport me to the hospital.

At this point I went into shock, chills, freezing, couldn't stay awake, my heart rate jumped to 89 and my oxygen was dropping every time they checked me, hence a second shot came....my face went completely white so they put my feet higher up and dropped my head.  By this point my heart rate was in the 120s and climbing, which means anaphylactic shock is still occurring.  They were really worried about my life, they kept making sure I was breathing and after what felt like forever my husband was back and by my side.  After my oxygen went to a level that was higher they let us go, my heart was still racing but with the medications and Epi-pens we were ready for whatever came our way and my youngest had his parent teacher and we didn't want him to miss it.  It was pretty scary for my kids to witness, but it all made us realize life can end for anyone of us in a split second, and we have to make the most of our time together.  I only had one reoccurrence of swelling in my mouth about 11PM, when I realized I hadn't brushed my teeth and needed to, I took a double dose of Benadryl after calling in and that was it. Until about 2 AM when my heart rate dropped dramatically to my normal level and it put me into an out of body experience, I felt my room was filled with a numerous amount of people there helping me to get through this, and I am alive and well this morning thanks to them, my priesthood blessing, prayers, and the doctors

I now have an Epi-pen, I am on Benadryl and prednisone for a week, and the worst they did the colonoscopy cleanse to get it out my system as quick as possible, not a great night but still breathing, and if I have an occurrence where my heart races and I am struggling to breathe I have to go back in.  With allergies as severe as mine it can happen anytime within 1 week. I know because of the blessing my husband was able to give me I will be okay, and it is such a testimony builder when someone with the priesthood blesses you to have angels watch over you because you can feel them carrying you through the tough times.

After watching the panic on my family's face and the scare of losing me I know I need to focus more on every second of my life.  I take for granted that I live day to day healthy and get into life so much that I don't make the most of every day.  I am so grateful that my father in heaven through the power
of priesthood and prayers spared my life at least for now.  I know I need to show more love to my family and friends, help others more, grow a better testimony, and focus on the things in life that can bring Joy to me, and I don't want my family to feel missed opportunities or longing for another day.  If we live life to the fullest we will have no regrets, and others will know our love for them.

Life is something that is given to us, it's a gift, and one we don't always cherish, but when we take the time to really focus on every second  we are given we will do our best to live it with Joy...I am going to live every second like it's my last.

I am the worst mother ever!!!

Have you ever had one of those weeks that make you feel like all your efforts were in vain? As a mother or father sometimes you feel like you are being pulled in a million different directions.  I noticed I spend more time concentrating on keeping my kids schedules straight and helping them stay on track than I do anything else.  Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I forget something, and at times it's is important to one of my kids.

Yesterday as I picked the kids up from school my second child got in the car and began to cry, "mom you can't touch me, I touched one of those nuts you are allergic too!".  (I am deathly allergic to walnuts and pecans and my daughter is allergic to peanuts, hence the stress)  I calmed him down and asked if he had washed his hands and he said yes and then I reassured him it would be okay.  I asked if someone brought the nuts to eat, and he said Monday was when they needed to bring their 100 things to share for the 100 days of school.  I almost died in my seat, I had not read a note about this, then the memory came to my mind....Friday we had a lot of commotion when the kids came home and he had tried 3 times to give me his letter and I was so busy trying to meet other obligations I told him to put it away until I had time to look at it.  A comment that never comes out of my mouth, in fact I remember it hurting his feelings, and yes I did apologize.  Nonetheless, I forgot about the note, so my son went to school probably being the only kid in class not to bring something and then yesterday they made a poster with the items.

I felt like the worst mother, I expressed my feelings that I had wished he would have come home Monday and reminded me because they would have had them before yesterday.  He cried until we got home and washed his hands twice.  I sat in the kitchen washing dishes being mad and thinking of how if I didn't need to remember everything for everyone I would have had less stress and possibly remembered, and on top of it I wondered if it made him look dumb.  As these horrible thoughts were racing through my brain my son with his tear stained cheeks walked up to me and asked if he could hug me now that he had washed his hands three times.

I knew then I was the worst mother...my son didn't care that he may have been the only class member not to bring an item or that he had a mom who couldn't remember to read a note and follow through with it, all he was worried about was me and the fact that if the nut from his hand touched me I could possibly die.  He didn't care if it affected him in any way.  How could I worry so much about embarrassment when I raised my son to care more about the welfare of another?

We live in a world where we are trained to worry so much about what others think that we forget to focus on the simple things that could really make a difference in life.  My son was my example, he was everything I would hoped he would be at such a young age.  I am the worst mother for forgetting what needed to be done and for worrying about what the teacher or the others kids thought, but I turned out to be the best mother when I saw that my influence is making a difference in my child's  behavior.  I am going to live today with only those I love in my mind, their welfare, and how much they mean to me and then today I can find Joy in me.

Resolutions

Resolutions....most of us sit down and write, think, or map out a way to meet our yearly goals.   People focus on all sorts of things from, lose weight, get in shape, quit an addiction, better job, save money, read scriptures and pray daily, etc etc, the list could go on forever, right?

Resolutions...I thought of the fact that this is something that has become a normal part of my life, and now that we are entering into the second month of the year I realized probably 1/3 of us have already decided 1 or more goal isn't going to be attainable this year.  While thinking this I started to wonder what my resolution or bucket list would look like if I were close to death or later in life.  Would I have regrets racing through my mind or feel I have had personal accomplishments all along my life's journey?  Then I put a little more thought into it and decided that the things I really needed on my list were the things if I hadn't taken the time to accomplish, I would regret...do you know what? My whole outlook has changed.

There are so many great things that life can offer to me but the most important things are the ones I want to hang on to...the things I want to remember doing and the accomplishments I want to tell others about are the ones who have helped me to gain an eternal place in heaven.

I don't want to get to a point later in life or when my life is near the end and have regrets.  What would those regrets be? What do others regret? What are the important things in life, the ones that truly matter? Will I regret the things I have done today because I didn't do the things that I should have?  My job now is to decide goals that will help me throughout my life and work on them, and add short term goals along the way to give me self accomplishments to help encourage me.

Bucket list/Lifelong Goals...does that sound huge? Yes but not if I narrow some things down.  I have been reading about people's regrets in life and how they felt their yearly resolutions determined how  their life turned out.  Most people had regrets about not spending time with family, not meeting up to their potential, not allowing themselves to be happy with life, working to much and not enjoying the pleasures it brought them, not hanging onto true love, not staying in touch with friends, spending less time on the computer or in front of the TV, worrying too much about others, not having confidence in themselves, living their parents dreams instead of their own and the list could go on for forever. So which do I value for me?

Will I regret the time I didn't spend my my family?  I don't want to look back on life and think of all the missed opportunities to show my kids or spouse I loved them.  I want to remember all the quality time we spent enjoying each other and make the most of the time we have.  I want to remember playing games or learning together, not which movie we sat and watched.  I want to remember that we could have a dance party in the middle of cleaning the house to lighten up the mood.  I don't want to look and wonder if my kids knew how much they meant to my life, how important they are to who I have become, or to think I only focused on the little things in life instead of enjoying everything life has to offer.

I want to be able to look back and say I have lived up to my full potential.  Have I done all that I set out to accomplish in this life? Did I make my father in heaven proud? Did I carry the family name I was born with, did I keep the name good?  I want to be able to say I knew I was a daughter of god, who knew why I was here and where I was going.  I want others to remember that I always tried to strive to be my best, even when life threw its struggles in front of my path.

Am I going to be able to tell my posterity that I enjoyed life to the fullest? Did I allow myself to be happy for what I had and took part in daily, or would they remember me being depressed and complaining about my life? Let's just hope my kids never remember me on the latter end.  I want my kids to see that even at our toughest times I took the time to thank my father in heaven for all that I had, and was willing to smile when my day was down.  I want to be able to say that life was happy, that it was all I hoped it would be and more.  I have so many wonderful things in life...a lovely home, awesome healthy kids, a spouse who works harder than any other man I know, a car that runs properly on a daily basis, teachers that help my children learn, and a gospel that I love and live daily, and the best part is a Savior that has made a happier way of life possible.

Life isn't about being perfectly fit, about eating perfectly healthy, how often I try to get in shape, about saving money, about the perfect job, if my kids won all they competed in, whether I was the best speaker, or most talented, or if I had the cleanest home...life is about where it's taking me in the next life...

Are you in there?

I can not get the songs from the movie Frozen out of my head...why you might ask? Well they are songs for me.  Do you ever see a movie or notice a character in the movie or story that seems to be playing out a role in your own movie script?  Today as my five year old had the chance to spend some one on one time with me I noticed how he loved to tell me which character he was in his favorite movie and why...we were driving in the car, so we had more meaningful conversation.

I won't lie, today has been a really off day for me.  I struggle with depression and 99% of the time I can find Life's Natural Highs(family, friends, kids, my children, a positive quote, etc. etc.) to push me over the hump.  For some reason today nothing seemed to push me into overly happy mode.  I was ornery with my kids and spouse, and every moment seemed to send me in an emotional whirlwind.

While we were talking in the car, he started to sing, "Do you want to build a snowman?" We both finished the line, then I turned on the two Frozen songs I had purchased.  We listened to Do You Want To Build A Snowman, and for some reason it made me really think about myself and how my day had played out up to that point.  I pictured myself singing to myself locked away in a room all alone.  The last verse stuck with me, "Please, I know you're in there, people have been asking where you've been, they say have courage, and I'm trying too, I'm right out here for you, just let me in, we only have each other it's just you and me, what are we going to do?"   Tears still fill my eyes as I focus on those words.

Depression has a way of making you feel all alone, you try to fix it and don't know how to.  The words of the song depict this perfectly.  Why does it make us feel so alone?  We are not alone.  We have family and friends who love us, even when we question if they do, they love us and would be there for us through everything.  Our best friend is always there, our Savior.  He was willing to take all our sins and pains when he suffered in Gethsemane.  He said yes and accepted each of us.  He loves us so much and if we turn to him we will feel him lift us at our times of need.

In March, it will mark 8 years since my younger brother took his life.  8 years since his depression won the internal fight he was going through.  I often wonder what all family members struggle with, when they lose a member to suicide.  Could I have done more, did he know I loved him regardless of who he was or what choices he had made, what made him choose to take his life? I wish I could see him, and listen to his voice, give him a hug and say "I love you!  For some reason I really struggle the months leading up to the anniversary of his death.  

I know my brother loved me and my family and that his depression and the medicine they give him to control it made him feel less valued and feel like he had less worth.  Listening to the song that seemed so innocent had sparked all of these thoughts and memories, and I knew right then and there that I needed to turn to my Savior.  I am not at the same point in my life as my brother was, but I need my Savior to keep me in a better place.  A place where I remember at all times that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love him.  I want to be the best and try harder each day to be with him.  Just as these thoughts came to my mind, the infamous song, Let It Go, began. It's funny how my Heavenly Father can answer my prayers at that instance.  He once again let me know I am important and how much I am of worth.

Depression is something you keep hidden because people don't understand it, or why someone can suffer from it. Just as the song says, "conceal don't feel".   Why hide your flaws when they can become strengths?  Just because I suffer from depression doesn't mean I can't be amazing, or be a good influence for others.  The fears can not control me if I turn to my Savior, I can do as the song says, "let if go, "let it go, turn away and slam the door", "the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all", "I'm free!!!"  I can let go of the struggles as I turn them over to The Lord.  As I choose to daily move forward, and in a direction where I can come unto Christ, I can rise above this illness and the way it can make me feel.  I can be the best mom, wife, friend, leader....I can be ME, and each day I can find Joy in the journey called life.

Change is always necessary

Have you ever noticed how a new haircut or color makes you feel?  I had mine done last week, and it felt great.  I have always loved change and hair is no exception.  I was excited to have my hairdresser do something different, and she did.  I rarely say exactly what I want, but she always has a way of making me love it. While I was there another woman who had extremely long thin looking hair wouldn't allow her hairdresser to be cut her hair more than a few inches because she felt she wasn't old enough yet for a short style, another didn't dare to make an adjustment to her hair color, for fear it would be too dramatic.

Does our hair matter that much to us? After watching family and friends go through cancer treatment I noticed that at first hair was a big issue.  Would it fall out, would it come back the same, what would they look like if it was all gone?  All extremely valid questions, that I would be asking myself.  One of my dear friends spoke in church and mentioned how at the first of her cancer treatments that losing hair was something she worried about.  After going through such a miraculous life changing experience she had realized it wasn't as big a deal as she thought.  I remember thinking she looked great with her long hair and still was beautiful when a lot of it had fallen out.  I don't think she realized it was her struggle and endurance that made her so beautiful.   She is an example to all who know her, and just as beautiful as the day she went in for treatments.  It was the change in herself that has made her who she has become.  Was the change easy? No, probably the hardest change she has ever gone through, and she proved that it is the desire to never give up that strengthened her in many ways.

Life has it's way of throwing curve balls for us to hit, and it's how we handle those pitches that will tell us how we played the game.  It's not about the strikes or hits, but how often we keep trying when defeat was in our hearts.  Life can be compared to the the lovely game of baseball.  There are always two teams, one who wins and one who doesn't, someone who can hit the ball and one who strikes out,  an awesome fielder and one who struggles.  Life changes with every choice we make, every time we go up to bat we will either get on base or walk back to the dugout.  Sometimes we can control what the outcome is and some end results are out of our hands.  You can practice with all your might at baseball, does that mean you will be the best?  That doesn't mean you can't just enjoy playing it.  When life changes, when the curve ball comes your way are you going to swing? Are you going to get back up to bat after one strikeout? 

We can be upset when life isn't going the way we want, we can give up, we can walk away from people we care about, OR we can choose to try, try harder, or maybe just to never give up... The best part about life is the choice.  Free agency is a God given right that everyone is born with, yet not all of us live in an area where we can express our free agency.  What I am saying, you can choose to still love life, and the opportunity to get up everyday and continue to try.  It doesn't mean it will be easy, and maybe it won't feel like it's worth it, but we can all choose to find Joy in a new day.  Each day is a wonderful gift, and none of us really know when  our last will be, but if you take time to find one thing in life that makes the change joyful, you can find happiness where ever you are.

Being able to see what others do

Have you ever noticed that others give you way more compliments then you give yourself?  Do you see the beauty in yourself when you wake up and look in the mirror, or do you think you need to put makeup on before you at least look presentable? Some of the most beautiful people I know would actually look better with a little less makeup covering up their natural beauty.  There are a lot of very pretty people in this world but beautiful is a word that I say when I can truly see they are as equally beautiful inside.

I know when I look in the mirror in the morning my first thoughts are, "gotta ditch these glasses, and hurry and get mascara on!".  I have always hated that I need glasses or contacts to be able to see but there are millions and more who suffer from the same, and I hate that my eyelashes are blonder so they aren't as visible without makeup.  Am I only thinking of a physical attribute when I think of myself being or not being beautiful? YES! I can't even tell you why I feel that way, maybe it's because we all do.  Why don't we focus on us, our true potential, and the inner beauty that makes us who we truly are?  Why is it easier to see another person when they don't feel beautiful and see something amazing? Why are we physically critical of ourselves, or perhaps you are one who picks others apart so you feel better about yourself? 

Have any of you been told you are just as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside?  That has to be the best compliment I could ever hope to attain, and one I don't give to many people.  I have tried to instill in my children that if you have an inner beauty: one that loves all others, one who is willing to sacrifice for others, one who thinks only the best in who they see, and one who is humble in themselves; that their beauty will be much greater than someone who picks others apart, or looks for the bad in another.  Along with those lines we have to be willing to take a stand when we hear another doing just that.  We should love others and ourselves enough to not stand there and listen when someone is trying to tear apart someone else for the gifts and attributes that they were given.

For a moment I want you to do a visualization.  Close your eyes and think of the most beautiful butterfly as it emerges from it's cocoon.  It has just made a complete transformation.  It knows it's different, but doesn't know that it's beauty is so much greater than when it was the caterpillar eating in hopes to reach a point in its life when it would be able to receive this change.  The butterfly gracefully begins to fly and enjoy a different kind of life. Does it look back and see how far it's come in such a short time? Does it know now the physical beauty it has been given? The butterfly goes about it's life being beautiful but it isn't the physical beauty that makes it stand out, it's the fact that all along its beauty inside was waiting to emerge. Was its transformation easy, no! It takes quite some time for a butterfly to emerge, and without that struggle the butterfly would never fly.

We too can receive a similar change. Will it be easy and quick, NO! Will it be worth it, DEFINITELY YES !  When we accept who we are, when we love ourselves and all others, when we can humbly say our best is perfect for us, when we are willing to give to others less fortunate, when we can stand for those who aren't treated well, then we can finally take hold of the change and be willing to fight the struggle that will help us emerge as the beautiful butterfly. My challenge is to let the change begin to happen.  Each of us has a different journey, mine is a personal change that will happen when I accept me for the beauty I can not see in myself.  Our physical beauty will emerge when we become beautiful inside.  When we are truly ourselves we are Be-YOU-tiful.