8 years of loss

Today I feel it important to tribute my brother who is no longer on his earthly journey.  8 years ago today, my younger brother took his life.  It was a day I shall never forget.  The night before, we had started a family fast for a different brother who had decided to take the same journey as Joe.  They were both addicted to alcohol and tobacco.  They had made one bad choice after another, but that never changed our love for them as a family.  We had many fast previous for Joe, but felt this time we needed to focus on another.

This particular night my brothers went to a party to drink.  They drank far to much and after a long night came home, my brother Joe had his girlfriend.  They had been fighting all night, and although we do not know personally what it was about we had many others from the party tell us.  On the way home, Joe sat in the front seat and asked my other brother to play a song on the CD.  The title is Untitled, by Simple Plan.  It is a very sad song, that portrays my brothers feeling to a T.  The writer is sick of this life and feels they are not able to be forgiven for what they have done wrong, as the song goes on it tells us he just wants to leave.  The song is one I listen to often, and only to feel a connection with my brother his last day of life.

Because of his depression, depression medications, the drinking, the fight, financial issues my brother decided he was not doing us any good.  He chose to take his life. He chose to leave us and this world behind.  Although it was a tragedy, our love for him is still the same.  Do I question if I will see him again or if he is going to hell? No because I know he was a person who always put others ahead of himself, He showed unconditional love, he worked hard, and did the best he could, and he has the same opportunity I have...to be forgiven.

I loved my brother more than life.  Throughout my childhood he was always one of my best friends.  He was always there to back me up, to lean on, to listen, to be a friend, you name it he was amazing.  Each family member had he opportunity of talking to my brother the last weeks of his life and he made sure he told each of us that he loved us.  I believe his self sacrifice was because he felt he was doing what was best for us.  Although we loved him, he felt we would be better off without him here.

Since his death all of my family members have had a personal experience with my brother Joe, except me.  I asked my husband why he felt I haven't had an experience with him, and his thoughts were completely different than mine.  I have felt inadequate, I felt that I may not mean as much to him as he did to me! I have felt that I am not good enough.  For 8 years I have let myself question me, but I don't need too.

His son was born on my birthday 9 months after his death, a son he had no idea he was having, a piece of him.  I can look at him and see his father, and I know his father is helping watch over him. Because I have chosen to have his son a large part of my life, I always have the opportunity to be with Joe.  It is physical, a living piece of the puzzle, his son.  I know Joe is there, and that he loves each one of us.  He is there when I am in need just like I was there when ever he needed me.  All I have to do is be thankful that my family had the chance to share 23 amazing years of my brother's journey called life.  I know if I need to see him, I can look into the light of his son and know he is there, and that is the best experience with my brother I can have.

My brother may not have lived a perfect life, but he didn't need too, he was loved for being him.  He is greatly missed.  I think of him daily and wonder what he is doing, where he would be if he were here, and how awesome of a father he would be to his son.  He is a missing link in my life, but through his loss I can hope for his return.  I can remember the memories that can never be replaced, and know that he will never be forgotten.  8 years of loss can also bring Joy to me, for through my Savior we all have a chance!