Parenting as a failure

Parenting has always been a goal of mine.  I am not perfect at it, and believe me I have made my fair share of mistakes.  Today I had a moment where I wondered if it really is for me.  Each of my children have no drive for life or the things they enjoy.  I feel in some way they expect me to step up and perform for them.  I hate that as a parent every thing we do or don't do for our children is reflected on us.

Why can't the children be looked at and say, they didn't care enough, or they had no zeal for life?  Why is it always the parents fault or the way they were raised.  I know that I have tried to fix the areas I wished my parents were different, yet because I have weaknesses I am a failure.  I am not perfect, so why in the heck am I expected to raise perfect children? If my child chooses not to succeed can I still hold my head high, knowing it was their choice to do nothing with life?

We live in a world that is in such a fast pace.  In order for our children to excel in life we have to put them in more and at a younger age or they honestly can't compete with the other kids.  What happened to, "do the best you can"?  Does that mean I have to expect 100% out of my child every day?  No that just means if my child is only performing at 12% for the day! I have to show them it's okay to have an off day and to perform that 12% the best they can.

When we have off days, we need to recognize those instead of taking them out on our kids, so when they have an off day they can recognize it as well and know it's okay. Parenting is hard, and no one said it was easy.  Each of us are blessed with children that will be a trial and yet a blessing in their own unique way.  It is so hard to help each child become who they are meant to be, but maybe it's because we try to do it for them.

How many of you have ever asked yourself why you are on this earth?  From a gospel standpoint I could answer it quickly.  I am here to gain a body, to be tested, be baptized, to be married in the temple, repent of my sins, and strive to be better each day while helping others along the way.  Does that necessarily tell me why I am here?  Not me specifically.  I believe each of us have the same kind of journey we need to find but each of us have our own talents and strengths along with weakness and flaws.

If I were to give you my bag I was sent to earth with (talents, strengths, weaknesses, flaws) would you be able to accomplish what you were sent to do?  No, each person has a purpose in life, how many of you have ever sincerely prayed for guidance in this manner?  Have you ever asked our father in heaven what you were sent to earth to accomplish, so you can one day be perfected with Christ?  After talking with an individual about this today I felt I should ask my children the same question.

Maybe they aren't here to be the best dancer, ball player, musician, and that would lead me to ask, why are we devoting so much time and energy on doing them?  Do we let our children decide who they are?  I have let my children choose there interests because I have seen many people put their kids in activities they did and they expect 100% out of their kid because they feel they know what that kid needs to excel.  Does that truly help our child?  Does that give them the free agency that will help them to be independent?  Does it mean I am really helping my child if I let them choose, or would it be better if they sought out their purpose to help better themselves before choosing?

While failing as a parent today, I realized Joy can be felt.  Not in the big accomplishments, but in the little moments when you see your child you love and know that they are on the same kind of journey in life and they are performing the best they can.

The mirror, A NECESSARY EVIL!!!

Have you ever had one of those days, the kind when you look in the mirror and wish you hadn't? I have them far too often.  Whether it is something about my health or just me. I have really been feeling too tired.  Not just tired, I can barely stay awake during the day and I therefore struggle to enjoy the way I appear in the mirror.   I fight all day long to have the kind of energy needed to perform my motherly, babysitting, and maid services each day.

How do you figure out what is making the mirror seem so un-appealing?  I hate when I hear people say if you are living as you should you won't get down on yourself.  It makes me wonder if those people ever get into a rut...do they honestly love themselves for who they are all the time?  I don't believe it's out of reach, but I believe it's hard to get to a point in life when you feel that way.  We all have struggles with our personal self, otherwise people wouldn't stress over exercise, makeup, hair, etc

Well my mirror is anything but wonderful.  It doesn't always show me that I have outer beauty and it has no way of showing the inner beauty.  I guess for me the hard part is when I feel I don't measure up to my ideal, then I don't see what I can offer.  Does each mirror show our individual worth?  Can we be worth more than the perfect looking individuals the world shows us?  Yes most definitely....when we take the time to gain a relationship with our father in heaven, we can see more of what we have to offer.  We can all choose to love what we see, and make little changes where we fill need help.  We can still exercise, put makeup on, do our hair, but we can know that we are beautiful because someone loved us enough to create something amazing.

Today as I looked in the mirror, I saw a mother who resembled the way I felt: tired, ugly, fat, unappreciated, unloved, the list goes on for forever.  It was then that I realized the mirror is not my friend, and I didn't want to take any extra amounts of time in front of it.  Just as those thoughts entered I gazed over to my son and wonderful girl I babysit and they both smiled and wanted a hug.  Each child wanted a kiss on the cheek and would not let go.  I felt guilty for all those negative thoughts I had come to my mind as I looked in the mirror. I knew the mirror didn't show both sides of me but those that love me see I am beautiful, maybe not on a physical sense but one that says I am worth a hug.

If every one of us would look through our childhood eyes, we would see such a better view.  We wouldn't see the imperfections we hold, we wouldn't notice other imperfections either, we would love unconditionally, and forgive a lot easier. The mirror doesn't show all of our beauty, it only shows us what we think about our physical self.  Is it enough to just see the outer beauty, no.  We need to look within, and just be grateful for all that we are.

The mirror is definitely an evil necessity, it shows the good and the bad, but without it we would never be able to see all the beauty we have to offer.  Today, I am looking in the mirror with a different perspective, I am going to look for the good instead of the bad.  Today I am finding Joy by looking in the mirror.

Sunrise, after a lifetime of darkness

Have you ever woken up to the light?  That sudden burst of warmth as the darkness fades?  The way that the light can engulf your whole being and just make the day better?  What kind of light am I referring too?  There are all forms of light: the kind you turn on with a switch, light from a fire, the sun, the stars, or moon, or how about the light that comes from our Savior?

Just like when the sun rises in the morning and brightens up the sky, our Savior can offer a light that brings more warmth to the soul than anything ever imaginable.  He has offered so much to each of us, and all he asks is that we do our best, go to him to repent of our sins, follow his teachings, and turn to him in times of good and bad.  What a remarkable gift he offered to each of us.

I think of what it was like the day he was resurrected.   I can not even fathom the light and warmth it offered to his followers.  To see him truly come back and be a witness that he had suffered and died for us and made it possible for each of us to return. I long for his return! and I can only hope to share in the light he will bring.

I am not perfect, I have lived a life on both sides of the fence.  I have made choices that at times have drowned me in the darkness around.  Darkness like light can mean many things, depression, hopeless, lost, alone, without light, scared, and the list could go on for miles.  I have tasted this bitterness that comes as consequences for my choices, and I don't think anyone on the earth can completely go without times of darkness, even if it's only in the shadows. It is something I am not proud of but it is also one of the best blessings in life.

When in darkness we seek the light.  We want something better and begin to change.   We start to come out of the shadows longing for the warmth of the light.  Through our change we are able to become true followers of Christ.  We can overcome our shortcomings, we can be forgiven for our wrongs, we can feel that our Savior loves us, and we can strive to stay in the light from that time forward.  This light is brighter than the sun at noon, it brings warmth and peace to the soul, it can heal all wounds.

Today I have focused on my life and where I have spent it.  Have I done what I was sent here to do, have I followed that straight path that will take me to an eternity of happiness? I noticed, I along with everyone else lives a life of darkness.  We struggle to make correct choices all the time.  We can lose our way and find our way back and then still fall when tempted.  As I realized I have lived a life of darkness. I also realized that the Sunrise at the end of those dark days was brighter than the engulfing darkness.  The good has outweighed the bad.

How can we truly know the light if we haven't been in darkness?  We would not know the warmth of the Sun if it had never cut through the shadows of the night, and showered its greatness upon the day. We are truly blessed people.  Our Savior gives us constant hope of light.  He loves us and wants us to be happy, not just for now but for an eternity...today I can find Joy, for my journey amidst the darkness has a sunrise that can show the way.  It is bright enough to fade the darkness and it is my Savior.

8 years of loss

Today I feel it important to tribute my brother who is no longer on his earthly journey.  8 years ago today, my younger brother took his life.  It was a day I shall never forget.  The night before, we had started a family fast for a different brother who had decided to take the same journey as Joe.  They were both addicted to alcohol and tobacco.  They had made one bad choice after another, but that never changed our love for them as a family.  We had many fast previous for Joe, but felt this time we needed to focus on another.

This particular night my brothers went to a party to drink.  They drank far to much and after a long night came home, my brother Joe had his girlfriend.  They had been fighting all night, and although we do not know personally what it was about we had many others from the party tell us.  On the way home, Joe sat in the front seat and asked my other brother to play a song on the CD.  The title is Untitled, by Simple Plan.  It is a very sad song, that portrays my brothers feeling to a T.  The writer is sick of this life and feels they are not able to be forgiven for what they have done wrong, as the song goes on it tells us he just wants to leave.  The song is one I listen to often, and only to feel a connection with my brother his last day of life.

Because of his depression, depression medications, the drinking, the fight, financial issues my brother decided he was not doing us any good.  He chose to take his life. He chose to leave us and this world behind.  Although it was a tragedy, our love for him is still the same.  Do I question if I will see him again or if he is going to hell? No because I know he was a person who always put others ahead of himself, He showed unconditional love, he worked hard, and did the best he could, and he has the same opportunity I have...to be forgiven.

I loved my brother more than life.  Throughout my childhood he was always one of my best friends.  He was always there to back me up, to lean on, to listen, to be a friend, you name it he was amazing.  Each family member had he opportunity of talking to my brother the last weeks of his life and he made sure he told each of us that he loved us.  I believe his self sacrifice was because he felt he was doing what was best for us.  Although we loved him, he felt we would be better off without him here.

Since his death all of my family members have had a personal experience with my brother Joe, except me.  I asked my husband why he felt I haven't had an experience with him, and his thoughts were completely different than mine.  I have felt inadequate, I felt that I may not mean as much to him as he did to me! I have felt that I am not good enough.  For 8 years I have let myself question me, but I don't need too.

His son was born on my birthday 9 months after his death, a son he had no idea he was having, a piece of him.  I can look at him and see his father, and I know his father is helping watch over him. Because I have chosen to have his son a large part of my life, I always have the opportunity to be with Joe.  It is physical, a living piece of the puzzle, his son.  I know Joe is there, and that he loves each one of us.  He is there when I am in need just like I was there when ever he needed me.  All I have to do is be thankful that my family had the chance to share 23 amazing years of my brother's journey called life.  I know if I need to see him, I can look into the light of his son and know he is there, and that is the best experience with my brother I can have.

My brother may not have lived a perfect life, but he didn't need too, he was loved for being him.  He is greatly missed.  I think of him daily and wonder what he is doing, where he would be if he were here, and how awesome of a father he would be to his son.  He is a missing link in my life, but through his loss I can hope for his return.  I can remember the memories that can never be replaced, and know that he will never be forgotten.  8 years of loss can also bring Joy to me, for through my Savior we all have a chance!

Through CHRIST, my WORTH is found

It never ceases to amaze me, how many woman struggle with themselves as a whole.  I have heard many times, if they were living in a way pleasing to our Heavenly Father, they would know of their worth and they wouldn't feel that way.  I don't agree with that statement, well not entirely.  I do believe if we know we are a daughter of God, and we have a true testimony of our purpose here and in the next life it makes it a whole lot easier.  I also know that some of the best people out there struggle with self worth.  Not all the time, but life and stress can make us question, am I worth it?

Am I worth it?  I don't believe we all wake up, whether living righteous or not, and automatically look in the mirror with that uh huh attitude, and think I am so worth it...but I know that because of my savior I can say, "with the help of my Savior, I can find worth in myself!".  I have always struggled with different aspects of self worth, sometimes it's not being beautiful enough, smart enough , righteous enough, sometimes it might be that I am not a good wife, or I feel like a failure as a mother.  Each one of us has our own struggles to overcome to feel enough worth to strive for an eternity with our loved ones.

I am constantly making choices in my life that will enable an easier life.  A life where I have less to be forgiven for, where I can truly meet my maker and let him know I love him and I am a true follower.  In order to feel my worth as a person, I need to make a personal goal to draw me closer to the savior.  One where I can feel of his love for me and his willingness to suffer for me personally.  Is it truly possible?  Of course, but it doesn't come easily.  When we pray we rarely receive answers without putting work into action.  Here is an example: maybe we live in a circumstance where we need a job, and we can constantly pray for help to change our circumstances, but until we realize that in order for Heavenly Father to answer us we have to get our there and choose to change our circumstances to receive the answer, it may never come.

Nothing in life comes for free except the light of Christ, which was given to every living soul at the time of birth.  Through our Savior we can know all things.  We can know how wonderful we are, and know that their is purpose in our life and what we are doing.  As a mother I am constantly bombarded with the question, "am I doing the best I can with my kids, or am I failing every chance I get?"  I know when I see special things, or hear a special prayer from my child that although I may be falling short, my Savior is filling in where I am not capable of succeeding.  We can all know that we are of worth by the warmth in our heart as we do our best, knowing we put 100% into it.

Today I am relying on my Savior.  He is there for each of us, and when we feel like we can endure no more, if we turn to him he will lift us and carry us a bit further until we can continue on our own.  I have found so much Joy in myself through striving to gain a personal relationship with my savior, and today I am going to strive to be a truly follower of Christ.