After months of trying times with my heart I have felt myself slip in and out of a dark hole. Not depression but close to it. Let's face it after one bad thing happening after another and bad news coming from so many things it's hard to always be on the positive end of it. I have felt so alone with this until a few weeks ago when my dad suffered his massive heart attack. I now see him going through so many similar things as me and some far worse. It is so hard not being able to physically take charge of and take care of everything. I have never felt so helpless, it isn't helplessness for myself but for the fact I want to help someone else.
This makes me think of my Savior. He suffered so many things for each of us and at times must feel helpless as he watches us constantly turn to something or someone else to help us out of our trial. He loves us unconditionally and gave his life for us, all because of love. He knows us all more than we probably know ourselves and has already taken all that we have been through on. It makes me wonder why it is human nature to walk away from the freedom he offers us.
I have never been perfect and have never claimed to be. I do my best like all of you, and at times doing my best isn't always the right thing. I have felt those awful burdens associated with the weight of sin, the loneliness, the pains both physical and spiritual, and although I trust the Lord to take them from me I struggle with turning them completely over to him. I am capable of letting go and finding Hope in the darkness. He is the light that can take us out of the shadows and into a better place. He is the only person who can bring truth to our souls. He is our constant cheerleader who sits not in the limelight but right beside us, waiting to carry us when needed.
Hope is always here! He will never abandon us because through him there is always a chance. A chance to overcome an addiction, sin, depression, loneliness, pain both physical and spiritual, financial struggles, you name it he will always give us Hope. I may not have it all together and I have struggled so much to overcome trials but he has been there to lift me when I could no longer take a step forward. He has lifted me when I was stuck in a world of self pity when he showed me another who as in more need than me. He comforts me daily when I feel I can no longer go on, he is my Savior, my best friend and my redeemer! He has given me light today when I needed it and I will always look to him for strength. Thanks to his mercy I may be given a chance to become better and live a full life. I owe him all that I have and I want the world to know I know he is there for each of us, he is my HOPE!
Friday, September 4, 2015
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Healing the Heart
Whereto start? I have been missing in action for quite some time because of over working myself, family and health issues that were brought out over the last year. I took on two jobs last year and was unable to devote an ounce of time to myself or family. I had totally lost myself in a different way than before. I had become a carrier oriented woman who thought only about making enough money to cover bills and expenses. I had forgot I am on a journey to discover my true self and to love who I was born to be. I had actually forgotten my place in this world, a MOTHER.
That all changed 9 months ago, January 2015. I started having pass out spells at work and home. It had become a little scary at times and all I knew was that it felt like it had something to do with my blood pressure because it felt like my heart would almost stop beating. I went to the doctor because of bruising on my body and they found my platelets were low, low enough that they started watching me for pre-leukemia. It was extremely scary and it was out of my control. Shortly after finding this out my husband and I were asked to be Ma and Pa for a trek family. Trek, for those who may not know what it is, is a reenactment of part of the Mormon handcart journey to Utah. We accepted the call knowing I may have health issues, but not knowing how bad they really were.
Fast forward to June, 2015. Trek was weeks away and I was starting to have chest pains that would never go away. I had had them for 17 years on and off and had always been told my health was perfect, so to have them continue and not improve was hard. Two weeks prior to trek I had been playing catch with my youngest while we waited for my older son's baseball practice to get done, when my chest pains begun, so badly that I couldn't stand and felt like passing out. It took me about 10 minutes to get up the strength to drive home. With help from my oldest I was able to get tot the couch. I remained on the couch for 45 minutes waiting for my husband to get home. It went on fro almost 4 hours, not a good thing but I was scared to go in to the doctor because I didn't want to miss trek. We chose to have me see the doctor in the morning about it, and they did an EKG and blood test, neither showed signs of a heart attack and I was told it was probably panic attack. I couldn't believe that playing catch could cause a panic attack so I brushed it off like nothing.
The night before trek we held my older son's birthday party where we played all night outside. I felt extremely fatigued the next morning but got up early to make sure my house was in order and that I had everything ready. I felt uneasy the whole morning and I told my husband over and over something felt wrong. We met our family and headed up the Rocky Dugway in Mantua, UT. We were overly excited and eager to start the four day journey with this group of kids we had truly grown to love. We hadn't gone long before we had a few of our family members fall ill, weak from not eating enough or weak from the strenuous journey uphill. I volunteered o pull the rope at the front and my husband joined in. He quickly felt weak and so switched out one of the boys. I pulled the rope for the majority of the time so I felt the weight of the cart and those items we were carrying. I had such a great time pushing myself to help my family and it was so much fun getting to know the young men who pulled along side of me. When we got to the top of the hill we rested for a little bit because we were going to begin the Women's pull.
We started the women's pull with me offering a prayer, I asked that those we chose to take with us as a memory of what trek was would be there to help pull the cart, then I told them of a pioneer story to help give them added strength. We began the journey and my girls still felt pretty weak. I had to not only push the cart but lift and hold it so they could complete the task of pushing the overly full cart with 5 of us. The journey was extremely hard but as we made out way around the bend we were greeted by special members of our stake that represented the angels who helped along the way. We got about three fourths the way up when I started to black out so I switched the girls up front with me with the girls in the back. I told the girls I wasn't feeling the best and offered a quick prayer and pleaded with my father in heaven to give me the strength to pull the cart until we had help arrive. Within two minutes I saw my husband running down the hill towards me, tear were in his eyes when he saw me and he knew I wasn't ok. He gave me a quick kiss and he and one of our boys took hold of the rope and helped us pull. When we had reached near the top of the hill I started passing out and yelled out for them to stop, I caught a quick breathe and we finished the journey.
My husband quickly grabbed our Bishop to help give me a blessing. I told them my chest was hurting and I felt like something was wrong with my blood pressure. Minutes later I was on the ground, I had nurses, youth and trek families trying to cool me down for fear I had heat exhaustion. I had a weak pulse, so they made me ride in the cart to get to camp. When I got there they started IV's and when they had started the third bag I started feeling way worse. I knew I had drank about 78 ounces of fluids, but we had pulled in the 98 degree weather all day. I didn't feel right, and then passed out in the bathroom with my husband. Next thing I knew I was being tapped on the cheek while riding a ranger down the mountain to keep me conscious.
I was taken by ambulance to the hospital where they gave me 4 more units of fluid that didn't help. My chest was in extreme pain and they kept telling me my heart was fine, until the next morning and they noticed my veins in my neck were over sized. I was taken by a second ambulance to another hospital that had a cardiac unit. I don't remember much of that day, but they took me in for testing and we had a few family members come visit. I woke late in the evening when the doctor came in to tell us how serious my heart condition was. I have Rheumatic Mitral Stenosis. Its scarring in the heart caused from rheumatic fever. It was so bad my valve wasn't getting proper blood flow to my body, and I was told I was lucky to be a live as bad as it was with the trek conditions on my body.
Over the course of five more days they determined my valve needed to wait to be replaced and sent me home and scheduled a stress test a week later. The stress test showed it was severe and needed a Valvuloplasty procedure done to open my valve up more. I waited 8 weeks and finally got it done, which I am recovering from at the moment. I still have low platelets which I have received many medicines, iron and transfusions for to help with, and will follow up with a hematologists at the end of the month and hopefully the results will still be consistent with the auto-immune disease ITP and not pre-leukemia. On top of it my dad suffered a massive heart attack three weeks ago because of ventricular fibrillation. We are lucky to have him here and I consider it a blessing it happened while he was with us because I knew exactly what he was going through because of my own heart condition. He is recovering and hopefully will be back to new in no time.
I am hoping to get back and running on the blog because I have so much I want to share about my life, my learning and where I hope it takes me. I want to share my journey to find joy in the real me so you have the chance to do the same for yourself.
That all changed 9 months ago, January 2015. I started having pass out spells at work and home. It had become a little scary at times and all I knew was that it felt like it had something to do with my blood pressure because it felt like my heart would almost stop beating. I went to the doctor because of bruising on my body and they found my platelets were low, low enough that they started watching me for pre-leukemia. It was extremely scary and it was out of my control. Shortly after finding this out my husband and I were asked to be Ma and Pa for a trek family. Trek, for those who may not know what it is, is a reenactment of part of the Mormon handcart journey to Utah. We accepted the call knowing I may have health issues, but not knowing how bad they really were.
Fast forward to June, 2015. Trek was weeks away and I was starting to have chest pains that would never go away. I had had them for 17 years on and off and had always been told my health was perfect, so to have them continue and not improve was hard. Two weeks prior to trek I had been playing catch with my youngest while we waited for my older son's baseball practice to get done, when my chest pains begun, so badly that I couldn't stand and felt like passing out. It took me about 10 minutes to get up the strength to drive home. With help from my oldest I was able to get tot the couch. I remained on the couch for 45 minutes waiting for my husband to get home. It went on fro almost 4 hours, not a good thing but I was scared to go in to the doctor because I didn't want to miss trek. We chose to have me see the doctor in the morning about it, and they did an EKG and blood test, neither showed signs of a heart attack and I was told it was probably panic attack. I couldn't believe that playing catch could cause a panic attack so I brushed it off like nothing.
The night before trek we held my older son's birthday party where we played all night outside. I felt extremely fatigued the next morning but got up early to make sure my house was in order and that I had everything ready. I felt uneasy the whole morning and I told my husband over and over something felt wrong. We met our family and headed up the Rocky Dugway in Mantua, UT. We were overly excited and eager to start the four day journey with this group of kids we had truly grown to love. We hadn't gone long before we had a few of our family members fall ill, weak from not eating enough or weak from the strenuous journey uphill. I volunteered o pull the rope at the front and my husband joined in. He quickly felt weak and so switched out one of the boys. I pulled the rope for the majority of the time so I felt the weight of the cart and those items we were carrying. I had such a great time pushing myself to help my family and it was so much fun getting to know the young men who pulled along side of me. When we got to the top of the hill we rested for a little bit because we were going to begin the Women's pull.
We started the women's pull with me offering a prayer, I asked that those we chose to take with us as a memory of what trek was would be there to help pull the cart, then I told them of a pioneer story to help give them added strength. We began the journey and my girls still felt pretty weak. I had to not only push the cart but lift and hold it so they could complete the task of pushing the overly full cart with 5 of us. The journey was extremely hard but as we made out way around the bend we were greeted by special members of our stake that represented the angels who helped along the way. We got about three fourths the way up when I started to black out so I switched the girls up front with me with the girls in the back. I told the girls I wasn't feeling the best and offered a quick prayer and pleaded with my father in heaven to give me the strength to pull the cart until we had help arrive. Within two minutes I saw my husband running down the hill towards me, tear were in his eyes when he saw me and he knew I wasn't ok. He gave me a quick kiss and he and one of our boys took hold of the rope and helped us pull. When we had reached near the top of the hill I started passing out and yelled out for them to stop, I caught a quick breathe and we finished the journey.
My husband quickly grabbed our Bishop to help give me a blessing. I told them my chest was hurting and I felt like something was wrong with my blood pressure. Minutes later I was on the ground, I had nurses, youth and trek families trying to cool me down for fear I had heat exhaustion. I had a weak pulse, so they made me ride in the cart to get to camp. When I got there they started IV's and when they had started the third bag I started feeling way worse. I knew I had drank about 78 ounces of fluids, but we had pulled in the 98 degree weather all day. I didn't feel right, and then passed out in the bathroom with my husband. Next thing I knew I was being tapped on the cheek while riding a ranger down the mountain to keep me conscious.
I was taken by ambulance to the hospital where they gave me 4 more units of fluid that didn't help. My chest was in extreme pain and they kept telling me my heart was fine, until the next morning and they noticed my veins in my neck were over sized. I was taken by a second ambulance to another hospital that had a cardiac unit. I don't remember much of that day, but they took me in for testing and we had a few family members come visit. I woke late in the evening when the doctor came in to tell us how serious my heart condition was. I have Rheumatic Mitral Stenosis. Its scarring in the heart caused from rheumatic fever. It was so bad my valve wasn't getting proper blood flow to my body, and I was told I was lucky to be a live as bad as it was with the trek conditions on my body.
Over the course of five more days they determined my valve needed to wait to be replaced and sent me home and scheduled a stress test a week later. The stress test showed it was severe and needed a Valvuloplasty procedure done to open my valve up more. I waited 8 weeks and finally got it done, which I am recovering from at the moment. I still have low platelets which I have received many medicines, iron and transfusions for to help with, and will follow up with a hematologists at the end of the month and hopefully the results will still be consistent with the auto-immune disease ITP and not pre-leukemia. On top of it my dad suffered a massive heart attack three weeks ago because of ventricular fibrillation. We are lucky to have him here and I consider it a blessing it happened while he was with us because I knew exactly what he was going through because of my own heart condition. He is recovering and hopefully will be back to new in no time.
I am hoping to get back and running on the blog because I have so much I want to share about my life, my learning and where I hope it takes me. I want to share my journey to find joy in the real me so you have the chance to do the same for yourself.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Do you walk the path alone?
I haven't been on for quite some time, my life has me running in circles. I am at that time of the year when I have hundreds of things a week going on and most overlap the others so I am at a constant rush and stressful mode. Today I had the thought come to mind, where is the help I have prayed for? At times in our life we want to question whether we are being heard and whether we are getting prayers answered.
I am not perfect so I am willing to admit I have times like this more than I would like to admit. I have been in a state of rush, things haven't worked out well either. I have way to much on my plate for a mother with three busy kids, a calling, taking care of other children, keeping the house clean, cooking, laundry, etc, etc. My husband is working a schedule that isn't completely consistent and has an EMT class on top of that. Meaning, I have to accomplish and remember everything myself.
Don't get me wrong I am grateful for his hard work, but this week I have for the first time in my life had to apologize to those relying on me for not being able to do my job, for not being able to manage it all. It has been the worst week of my life. I hate not being able to be to everything. I want to be lifted when I need the help.
As these thoughts came to my mind I was quickly reminded of the Footprints poem. I am like the person walking through life, and I am questioning my savior why he wasn't there at the toughest times in my life....for those of you who haven't read it, it is a must read. I am at that point in my life where I only see one set of footprints....and they are not mine...my savior loves me and is carrying me through this time of my life. He is there to help make it easier. I realized that my life could be worse, I could have so many other things going wrong, but he is protecting me and lifting me just enough to endure another day.
Today I can find just a glimpse of Joy, not Joy in myself but Joy in the fact that my Savior is there even when I can't see him. He is there to carry me just enough to get past my trials and there to pick me up when I turn to him.
I am not perfect so I am willing to admit I have times like this more than I would like to admit. I have been in a state of rush, things haven't worked out well either. I have way to much on my plate for a mother with three busy kids, a calling, taking care of other children, keeping the house clean, cooking, laundry, etc, etc. My husband is working a schedule that isn't completely consistent and has an EMT class on top of that. Meaning, I have to accomplish and remember everything myself.
Don't get me wrong I am grateful for his hard work, but this week I have for the first time in my life had to apologize to those relying on me for not being able to do my job, for not being able to manage it all. It has been the worst week of my life. I hate not being able to be to everything. I want to be lifted when I need the help.
As these thoughts came to my mind I was quickly reminded of the Footprints poem. I am like the person walking through life, and I am questioning my savior why he wasn't there at the toughest times in my life....for those of you who haven't read it, it is a must read. I am at that point in my life where I only see one set of footprints....and they are not mine...my savior loves me and is carrying me through this time of my life. He is there to help make it easier. I realized that my life could be worse, I could have so many other things going wrong, but he is protecting me and lifting me just enough to endure another day.
Today I can find just a glimpse of Joy, not Joy in myself but Joy in the fact that my Savior is there even when I can't see him. He is there to carry me just enough to get past my trials and there to pick me up when I turn to him.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
What do I have to be grateful for?
I have had a few weeks of happiness, sadness, fear, and true Joy. I haven't had good health the last little while, while struggling to stay awake each day, and total body pain I started to bruise all over my body and my normal cuts would not heal. I kept telling my husband I was not going to the doctor because we were waiting for our insurance to become active.
Four days before it kicked in, I was lying in bed with severe chest pain. Not where my heart was but I was certain I was dying. I begged my husband to wake up and give me a priesthood blessing because I was afraid my children would wake up to me dead. After giving me a blessing that all would be well, I laid there praying to my Heavenly Father to be pain free. Within 10 minutes the severe pain ended and I was able to sleep. The next morning my husband went to work then left on the truck to work for the weekend.
After feeling completely sluggish all weekend I decided to attend an exercise class in hopes of more energy. I was wrong. As I came home, I could barely get out of the car. I had the kids help me get to the bath so I could relax. I was getting out of the tub as my husband got home from work. He asked in a concerned voice, "what happened to you?" Thinking I looked worse than I felt, "I said I know I look like crap but I am so physically tired I can barely stand." It was then that he had me lean my head down. He noticed I had a bruise starting at my hairline going down my neck. He thought I had been strangled. I of course thought it was a joke but he took pictures and told me I was going to the doctor the next day.
Thinking the bruise was nothing I posted one of my pictures, probably not the best photo we had taken and asked if people would go to the doctor. Of course all the horror came out. Everyone felt I should so I called and told the doctor what was going on and they immediately had me go in. I had an EKG, chest x-Ray, and blood tests done. I had all the signs of Leukemia and Lymphoma except extreme weight loss. The doctor was extremely worried. The EKG was fine, my chest x-Ray showed a small lump, and I had to patiently wait for the blood tests.
The next morning I received a call that my D-Dimer level was extremely high so they were afraid I had a blood clot in my lung. I did a CT Scan and was told there was no blood clot in my lung, and that the lump was a very enlarged lymph node. Which causes more sign of cancers. I waits until the following Monday to get a call to let me know I was having a reaction to my birth control, causing blood clots. I was at a hyper-coagulate state, it is something that happens when the body is under stress, and the both control had triggered it. When we talked about it I was told I was lucky because I had a blood clot dissolve at the base of my skull.
I knew then that because of the blessing my husband gave me my life was spared. I could have had a stroke, heart attack, or something else happen had I not gone in and found out the birth control was causing an adverse affect. With medication the blood clot symptoms have started to change, although my energy level is still low.
Although my health isn't perfect I have a lot to be grateful for. I am alive, I didn't have a stroke from a blood clot that quickly dissolved at the base of my neck, I am here to raise my children, I have a loving family and awesome friends who would have been there had I had a life threatening illness, and I have a Heavenly Father who blessed me with a miracle when I needed it most. The spirit of gratitude can bring each of us true Joy and happiness, and I am ever grateful to be me.afriad
Four days before it kicked in, I was lying in bed with severe chest pain. Not where my heart was but I was certain I was dying. I begged my husband to wake up and give me a priesthood blessing because I was afraid my children would wake up to me dead. After giving me a blessing that all would be well, I laid there praying to my Heavenly Father to be pain free. Within 10 minutes the severe pain ended and I was able to sleep. The next morning my husband went to work then left on the truck to work for the weekend.
After feeling completely sluggish all weekend I decided to attend an exercise class in hopes of more energy. I was wrong. As I came home, I could barely get out of the car. I had the kids help me get to the bath so I could relax. I was getting out of the tub as my husband got home from work. He asked in a concerned voice, "what happened to you?" Thinking I looked worse than I felt, "I said I know I look like crap but I am so physically tired I can barely stand." It was then that he had me lean my head down. He noticed I had a bruise starting at my hairline going down my neck. He thought I had been strangled. I of course thought it was a joke but he took pictures and told me I was going to the doctor the next day.
Thinking the bruise was nothing I posted one of my pictures, probably not the best photo we had taken and asked if people would go to the doctor. Of course all the horror came out. Everyone felt I should so I called and told the doctor what was going on and they immediately had me go in. I had an EKG, chest x-Ray, and blood tests done. I had all the signs of Leukemia and Lymphoma except extreme weight loss. The doctor was extremely worried. The EKG was fine, my chest x-Ray showed a small lump, and I had to patiently wait for the blood tests.
The next morning I received a call that my D-Dimer level was extremely high so they were afraid I had a blood clot in my lung. I did a CT Scan and was told there was no blood clot in my lung, and that the lump was a very enlarged lymph node. Which causes more sign of cancers. I waits until the following Monday to get a call to let me know I was having a reaction to my birth control, causing blood clots. I was at a hyper-coagulate state, it is something that happens when the body is under stress, and the both control had triggered it. When we talked about it I was told I was lucky because I had a blood clot dissolve at the base of my skull.
I knew then that because of the blessing my husband gave me my life was spared. I could have had a stroke, heart attack, or something else happen had I not gone in and found out the birth control was causing an adverse affect. With medication the blood clot symptoms have started to change, although my energy level is still low.
Although my health isn't perfect I have a lot to be grateful for. I am alive, I didn't have a stroke from a blood clot that quickly dissolved at the base of my neck, I am here to raise my children, I have a loving family and awesome friends who would have been there had I had a life threatening illness, and I have a Heavenly Father who blessed me with a miracle when I needed it most. The spirit of gratitude can bring each of us true Joy and happiness, and I am ever grateful to be me.afriad
Friday, March 21, 2014
Parenting as a failure
Parenting has always been a goal of mine. I am not perfect at it, and believe me I have made my fair share of mistakes. Today I had a moment where I wondered if it really is for me. Each of my children have no drive for life or the things they enjoy. I feel in some way they expect me to step up and perform for them. I hate that as a parent every thing we do or don't do for our children is reflected on us.
Why can't the children be looked at and say, they didn't care enough, or they had no zeal for life? Why is it always the parents fault or the way they were raised. I know that I have tried to fix the areas I wished my parents were different, yet because I have weaknesses I am a failure. I am not perfect, so why in the heck am I expected to raise perfect children? If my child chooses not to succeed can I still hold my head high, knowing it was their choice to do nothing with life?
We live in a world that is in such a fast pace. In order for our children to excel in life we have to put them in more and at a younger age or they honestly can't compete with the other kids. What happened to, "do the best you can"? Does that mean I have to expect 100% out of my child every day? No that just means if my child is only performing at 12% for the day! I have to show them it's okay to have an off day and to perform that 12% the best they can.
When we have off days, we need to recognize those instead of taking them out on our kids, so when they have an off day they can recognize it as well and know it's okay. Parenting is hard, and no one said it was easy. Each of us are blessed with children that will be a trial and yet a blessing in their own unique way. It is so hard to help each child become who they are meant to be, but maybe it's because we try to do it for them.
How many of you have ever asked yourself why you are on this earth? From a gospel standpoint I could answer it quickly. I am here to gain a body, to be tested, be baptized, to be married in the temple, repent of my sins, and strive to be better each day while helping others along the way. Does that necessarily tell me why I am here? Not me specifically. I believe each of us have the same kind of journey we need to find but each of us have our own talents and strengths along with weakness and flaws.
If I were to give you my bag I was sent to earth with (talents, strengths, weaknesses, flaws) would you be able to accomplish what you were sent to do? No, each person has a purpose in life, how many of you have ever sincerely prayed for guidance in this manner? Have you ever asked our father in heaven what you were sent to earth to accomplish, so you can one day be perfected with Christ? After talking with an individual about this today I felt I should ask my children the same question.
Maybe they aren't here to be the best dancer, ball player, musician, and that would lead me to ask, why are we devoting so much time and energy on doing them? Do we let our children decide who they are? I have let my children choose there interests because I have seen many people put their kids in activities they did and they expect 100% out of their kid because they feel they know what that kid needs to excel. Does that truly help our child? Does that give them the free agency that will help them to be independent? Does it mean I am really helping my child if I let them choose, or would it be better if they sought out their purpose to help better themselves before choosing?
While failing as a parent today, I realized Joy can be felt. Not in the big accomplishments, but in the little moments when you see your child you love and know that they are on the same kind of journey in life and they are performing the best they can.
Why can't the children be looked at and say, they didn't care enough, or they had no zeal for life? Why is it always the parents fault or the way they were raised. I know that I have tried to fix the areas I wished my parents were different, yet because I have weaknesses I am a failure. I am not perfect, so why in the heck am I expected to raise perfect children? If my child chooses not to succeed can I still hold my head high, knowing it was their choice to do nothing with life?
We live in a world that is in such a fast pace. In order for our children to excel in life we have to put them in more and at a younger age or they honestly can't compete with the other kids. What happened to, "do the best you can"? Does that mean I have to expect 100% out of my child every day? No that just means if my child is only performing at 12% for the day! I have to show them it's okay to have an off day and to perform that 12% the best they can.
When we have off days, we need to recognize those instead of taking them out on our kids, so when they have an off day they can recognize it as well and know it's okay. Parenting is hard, and no one said it was easy. Each of us are blessed with children that will be a trial and yet a blessing in their own unique way. It is so hard to help each child become who they are meant to be, but maybe it's because we try to do it for them.
How many of you have ever asked yourself why you are on this earth? From a gospel standpoint I could answer it quickly. I am here to gain a body, to be tested, be baptized, to be married in the temple, repent of my sins, and strive to be better each day while helping others along the way. Does that necessarily tell me why I am here? Not me specifically. I believe each of us have the same kind of journey we need to find but each of us have our own talents and strengths along with weakness and flaws.
If I were to give you my bag I was sent to earth with (talents, strengths, weaknesses, flaws) would you be able to accomplish what you were sent to do? No, each person has a purpose in life, how many of you have ever sincerely prayed for guidance in this manner? Have you ever asked our father in heaven what you were sent to earth to accomplish, so you can one day be perfected with Christ? After talking with an individual about this today I felt I should ask my children the same question.
Maybe they aren't here to be the best dancer, ball player, musician, and that would lead me to ask, why are we devoting so much time and energy on doing them? Do we let our children decide who they are? I have let my children choose there interests because I have seen many people put their kids in activities they did and they expect 100% out of their kid because they feel they know what that kid needs to excel. Does that truly help our child? Does that give them the free agency that will help them to be independent? Does it mean I am really helping my child if I let them choose, or would it be better if they sought out their purpose to help better themselves before choosing?
While failing as a parent today, I realized Joy can be felt. Not in the big accomplishments, but in the little moments when you see your child you love and know that they are on the same kind of journey in life and they are performing the best they can.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
The mirror, A NECESSARY EVIL!!!
Have you ever had one of those days, the kind when you look in the mirror and wish you hadn't? I have them far too often. Whether it is something about my health or just me. I have really been feeling too tired. Not just tired, I can barely stay awake during the day and I therefore struggle to enjoy the way I appear in the mirror. I fight all day long to have the kind of energy needed to perform my motherly, babysitting, and maid services each day.
How do you figure out what is making the mirror seem so un-appealing? I hate when I hear people say if you are living as you should you won't get down on yourself. It makes me wonder if those people ever get into a rut...do they honestly love themselves for who they are all the time? I don't believe it's out of reach, but I believe it's hard to get to a point in life when you feel that way. We all have struggles with our personal self, otherwise people wouldn't stress over exercise, makeup, hair, etc
Well my mirror is anything but wonderful. It doesn't always show me that I have outer beauty and it has no way of showing the inner beauty. I guess for me the hard part is when I feel I don't measure up to my ideal, then I don't see what I can offer. Does each mirror show our individual worth? Can we be worth more than the perfect looking individuals the world shows us? Yes most definitely....when we take the time to gain a relationship with our father in heaven, we can see more of what we have to offer. We can all choose to love what we see, and make little changes where we fill need help. We can still exercise, put makeup on, do our hair, but we can know that we are beautiful because someone loved us enough to create something amazing.
Today as I looked in the mirror, I saw a mother who resembled the way I felt: tired, ugly, fat, unappreciated, unloved, the list goes on for forever. It was then that I realized the mirror is not my friend, and I didn't want to take any extra amounts of time in front of it. Just as those thoughts entered I gazed over to my son and wonderful girl I babysit and they both smiled and wanted a hug. Each child wanted a kiss on the cheek and would not let go. I felt guilty for all those negative thoughts I had come to my mind as I looked in the mirror. I knew the mirror didn't show both sides of me but those that love me see I am beautiful, maybe not on a physical sense but one that says I am worth a hug.
If every one of us would look through our childhood eyes, we would see such a better view. We wouldn't see the imperfections we hold, we wouldn't notice other imperfections either, we would love unconditionally, and forgive a lot easier. The mirror doesn't show all of our beauty, it only shows us what we think about our physical self. Is it enough to just see the outer beauty, no. We need to look within, and just be grateful for all that we are.
The mirror is definitely an evil necessity, it shows the good and the bad, but without it we would never be able to see all the beauty we have to offer. Today, I am looking in the mirror with a different perspective, I am going to look for the good instead of the bad. Today I am finding Joy by looking in the mirror.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Sunrise, after a lifetime of darkness
Have you ever woken up to the light? That sudden burst of warmth as the darkness fades? The way that the light can engulf your whole being and just make the day better? What kind of light am I referring too? There are all forms of light: the kind you turn on with a switch, light from a fire, the sun, the stars, or moon, or how about the light that comes from our Savior?
Just like when the sun rises in the morning and brightens up the sky, our Savior can offer a light that brings more warmth to the soul than anything ever imaginable. He has offered so much to each of us, and all he asks is that we do our best, go to him to repent of our sins, follow his teachings, and turn to him in times of good and bad. What a remarkable gift he offered to each of us.
I think of what it was like the day he was resurrected. I can not even fathom the light and warmth it offered to his followers. To see him truly come back and be a witness that he had suffered and died for us and made it possible for each of us to return. I long for his return! and I can only hope to share in the light he will bring.
I am not perfect, I have lived a life on both sides of the fence. I have made choices that at times have drowned me in the darkness around. Darkness like light can mean many things, depression, hopeless, lost, alone, without light, scared, and the list could go on for miles. I have tasted this bitterness that comes as consequences for my choices, and I don't think anyone on the earth can completely go without times of darkness, even if it's only in the shadows. It is something I am not proud of but it is also one of the best blessings in life.
When in darkness we seek the light. We want something better and begin to change. We start to come out of the shadows longing for the warmth of the light. Through our change we are able to become true followers of Christ. We can overcome our shortcomings, we can be forgiven for our wrongs, we can feel that our Savior loves us, and we can strive to stay in the light from that time forward. This light is brighter than the sun at noon, it brings warmth and peace to the soul, it can heal all wounds.
Today I have focused on my life and where I have spent it. Have I done what I was sent here to do, have I followed that straight path that will take me to an eternity of happiness? I noticed, I along with everyone else lives a life of darkness. We struggle to make correct choices all the time. We can lose our way and find our way back and then still fall when tempted. As I realized I have lived a life of darkness. I also realized that the Sunrise at the end of those dark days was brighter than the engulfing darkness. The good has outweighed the bad.
How can we truly know the light if we haven't been in darkness? We would not know the warmth of the Sun if it had never cut through the shadows of the night, and showered its greatness upon the day. We are truly blessed people. Our Savior gives us constant hope of light. He loves us and wants us to be happy, not just for now but for an eternity...today I can find Joy, for my journey amidst the darkness has a sunrise that can show the way. It is bright enough to fade the darkness and it is my Savior.
Just like when the sun rises in the morning and brightens up the sky, our Savior can offer a light that brings more warmth to the soul than anything ever imaginable. He has offered so much to each of us, and all he asks is that we do our best, go to him to repent of our sins, follow his teachings, and turn to him in times of good and bad. What a remarkable gift he offered to each of us.
I think of what it was like the day he was resurrected. I can not even fathom the light and warmth it offered to his followers. To see him truly come back and be a witness that he had suffered and died for us and made it possible for each of us to return. I long for his return! and I can only hope to share in the light he will bring.
I am not perfect, I have lived a life on both sides of the fence. I have made choices that at times have drowned me in the darkness around. Darkness like light can mean many things, depression, hopeless, lost, alone, without light, scared, and the list could go on for miles. I have tasted this bitterness that comes as consequences for my choices, and I don't think anyone on the earth can completely go without times of darkness, even if it's only in the shadows. It is something I am not proud of but it is also one of the best blessings in life.
When in darkness we seek the light. We want something better and begin to change. We start to come out of the shadows longing for the warmth of the light. Through our change we are able to become true followers of Christ. We can overcome our shortcomings, we can be forgiven for our wrongs, we can feel that our Savior loves us, and we can strive to stay in the light from that time forward. This light is brighter than the sun at noon, it brings warmth and peace to the soul, it can heal all wounds.
Today I have focused on my life and where I have spent it. Have I done what I was sent here to do, have I followed that straight path that will take me to an eternity of happiness? I noticed, I along with everyone else lives a life of darkness. We struggle to make correct choices all the time. We can lose our way and find our way back and then still fall when tempted. As I realized I have lived a life of darkness. I also realized that the Sunrise at the end of those dark days was brighter than the engulfing darkness. The good has outweighed the bad.
How can we truly know the light if we haven't been in darkness? We would not know the warmth of the Sun if it had never cut through the shadows of the night, and showered its greatness upon the day. We are truly blessed people. Our Savior gives us constant hope of light. He loves us and wants us to be happy, not just for now but for an eternity...today I can find Joy, for my journey amidst the darkness has a sunrise that can show the way. It is bright enough to fade the darkness and it is my Savior.
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