Is it possible to truly have Joy in me?

I am starting the blog as a way to answer the very question my blog states....is there a way to find Joy in the real me?

I am a stay at home mom, and have been for 8 years, I worked after my first child was born but as soon as my second came along we knew that my part time job would never cover the cost of child care services, so as a couple we decided I would care for our children.  I became the main focus of guidance my kids had in their journey called life. Am I capable? I believe we all are but it takes time to discover how and what works for us and our children.

I don't know that I truly figured out who I was before being married almost 13 years ago.  I knew on a religious standpoint that I am a daughter of god and my purpose in life is to try to return to my Father in heaven.  I enjoyed life but always felt somewhat out of place.  I loved to have fun but knew life wasn't  just about enjoyment, I loved feeling like I could make my life whatever I wanted....I longed for a life that was centered around my own little family.  I was what you would call the ugly duckling.  I was not nor do I feel I have discovered the physical beauty behind who I am, and I am constantly waiting for that beautiful swan to immerse.  I was me, an athlete, someone longing for true love, a happy person just enjoying all they had, someone who always looked back at life and would realize all the missed opportunities to help me grow on a personal and spiritual level.

As I looked in the mirror today I realized I am further from that which I was seeking 13 years ago.  I am still happy but not all of the time, rarely do I take the time to make myself even look presentable nor care about finding the beautiful swan that has yet to immerse.  I am me, but not.  I am lost within myself.  Not on a religious standpoint.  I believe I know more of my spiritual purpose in life, but I struggle to take hold of that journey, because I can never get past me and my struggles.  I realized all the wrinkles, baggy eyes, dark circles under my eyes and all the physical features I have let go, but most of all I realized my smile was no longer there.  Am I happy, can I possibly be happy with the real me? Therefore I also realized I am not letting my spirit enjoy it's journey in life either. I am not thankful for my physical self in which has given my spirit a chance to live.

I am in charge of my life, no one can make decisions for me.  No one can decide where my life is headed, or what kind of wife or mother I can be.  As I looked into the mirror I realized I have set ideals so far out of reach that the fight has left.  How do I find the desire to be happy with the real me? How can I try to be the perfect wife in my husbands eyes and still be good enough in my eyes? How can I be the perfect mother when I myself am imperfect and struggling with me?

I am going to take a personal journey, one in which I am willing to share and also embarrassed to reveal, but I feel it will not only be rewarding but serve as healing for myself.  I have decided I am going to set goals both attainable and out of reach, not just on a physical standpoint but also to help my spiritual journey in life.  I hope that my life's journey will help at least one person to obtain Joy in the real them, and not go through a life of disappointments trying to please only others.

I am going to find Joy in the real me, and I am going to help others do the same...somewhere along the journey in life I forgot to find Joy in me, I still feel happiness and Joy but in others...my goal is to see that I am the best me I can be.