Are you in there?

I can not get the songs from the movie Frozen out of my head...why you might ask? Well they are songs for me.  Do you ever see a movie or notice a character in the movie or story that seems to be playing out a role in your own movie script?  Today as my five year old had the chance to spend some one on one time with me I noticed how he loved to tell me which character he was in his favorite movie and why...we were driving in the car, so we had more meaningful conversation.

I won't lie, today has been a really off day for me.  I struggle with depression and 99% of the time I can find Life's Natural Highs(family, friends, kids, my children, a positive quote, etc. etc.) to push me over the hump.  For some reason today nothing seemed to push me into overly happy mode.  I was ornery with my kids and spouse, and every moment seemed to send me in an emotional whirlwind.

While we were talking in the car, he started to sing, "Do you want to build a snowman?" We both finished the line, then I turned on the two Frozen songs I had purchased.  We listened to Do You Want To Build A Snowman, and for some reason it made me really think about myself and how my day had played out up to that point.  I pictured myself singing to myself locked away in a room all alone.  The last verse stuck with me, "Please, I know you're in there, people have been asking where you've been, they say have courage, and I'm trying too, I'm right out here for you, just let me in, we only have each other it's just you and me, what are we going to do?"   Tears still fill my eyes as I focus on those words.

Depression has a way of making you feel all alone, you try to fix it and don't know how to.  The words of the song depict this perfectly.  Why does it make us feel so alone?  We are not alone.  We have family and friends who love us, even when we question if they do, they love us and would be there for us through everything.  Our best friend is always there, our Savior.  He was willing to take all our sins and pains when he suffered in Gethsemane.  He said yes and accepted each of us.  He loves us so much and if we turn to him we will feel him lift us at our times of need.

In March, it will mark 8 years since my younger brother took his life.  8 years since his depression won the internal fight he was going through.  I often wonder what all family members struggle with, when they lose a member to suicide.  Could I have done more, did he know I loved him regardless of who he was or what choices he had made, what made him choose to take his life? I wish I could see him, and listen to his voice, give him a hug and say "I love you!  For some reason I really struggle the months leading up to the anniversary of his death.  

I know my brother loved me and my family and that his depression and the medicine they give him to control it made him feel less valued and feel like he had less worth.  Listening to the song that seemed so innocent had sparked all of these thoughts and memories, and I knew right then and there that I needed to turn to my Savior.  I am not at the same point in my life as my brother was, but I need my Savior to keep me in a better place.  A place where I remember at all times that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love him.  I want to be the best and try harder each day to be with him.  Just as these thoughts came to my mind, the infamous song, Let It Go, began. It's funny how my Heavenly Father can answer my prayers at that instance.  He once again let me know I am important and how much I am of worth.

Depression is something you keep hidden because people don't understand it, or why someone can suffer from it. Just as the song says, "conceal don't feel".   Why hide your flaws when they can become strengths?  Just because I suffer from depression doesn't mean I can't be amazing, or be a good influence for others.  The fears can not control me if I turn to my Savior, I can do as the song says, "let if go, "let it go, turn away and slam the door", "the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all", "I'm free!!!"  I can let go of the struggles as I turn them over to The Lord.  As I choose to daily move forward, and in a direction where I can come unto Christ, I can rise above this illness and the way it can make me feel.  I can be the best mom, wife, friend, leader....I can be ME, and each day I can find Joy in the journey called life.

Change is always necessary

Have you ever noticed how a new haircut or color makes you feel?  I had mine done last week, and it felt great.  I have always loved change and hair is no exception.  I was excited to have my hairdresser do something different, and she did.  I rarely say exactly what I want, but she always has a way of making me love it. While I was there another woman who had extremely long thin looking hair wouldn't allow her hairdresser to be cut her hair more than a few inches because she felt she wasn't old enough yet for a short style, another didn't dare to make an adjustment to her hair color, for fear it would be too dramatic.

Does our hair matter that much to us? After watching family and friends go through cancer treatment I noticed that at first hair was a big issue.  Would it fall out, would it come back the same, what would they look like if it was all gone?  All extremely valid questions, that I would be asking myself.  One of my dear friends spoke in church and mentioned how at the first of her cancer treatments that losing hair was something she worried about.  After going through such a miraculous life changing experience she had realized it wasn't as big a deal as she thought.  I remember thinking she looked great with her long hair and still was beautiful when a lot of it had fallen out.  I don't think she realized it was her struggle and endurance that made her so beautiful.   She is an example to all who know her, and just as beautiful as the day she went in for treatments.  It was the change in herself that has made her who she has become.  Was the change easy? No, probably the hardest change she has ever gone through, and she proved that it is the desire to never give up that strengthened her in many ways.

Life has it's way of throwing curve balls for us to hit, and it's how we handle those pitches that will tell us how we played the game.  It's not about the strikes or hits, but how often we keep trying when defeat was in our hearts.  Life can be compared to the the lovely game of baseball.  There are always two teams, one who wins and one who doesn't, someone who can hit the ball and one who strikes out,  an awesome fielder and one who struggles.  Life changes with every choice we make, every time we go up to bat we will either get on base or walk back to the dugout.  Sometimes we can control what the outcome is and some end results are out of our hands.  You can practice with all your might at baseball, does that mean you will be the best?  That doesn't mean you can't just enjoy playing it.  When life changes, when the curve ball comes your way are you going to swing? Are you going to get back up to bat after one strikeout? 

We can be upset when life isn't going the way we want, we can give up, we can walk away from people we care about, OR we can choose to try, try harder, or maybe just to never give up... The best part about life is the choice.  Free agency is a God given right that everyone is born with, yet not all of us live in an area where we can express our free agency.  What I am saying, you can choose to still love life, and the opportunity to get up everyday and continue to try.  It doesn't mean it will be easy, and maybe it won't feel like it's worth it, but we can all choose to find Joy in a new day.  Each day is a wonderful gift, and none of us really know when  our last will be, but if you take time to find one thing in life that makes the change joyful, you can find happiness where ever you are.

Being able to see what others do

Have you ever noticed that others give you way more compliments then you give yourself?  Do you see the beauty in yourself when you wake up and look in the mirror, or do you think you need to put makeup on before you at least look presentable? Some of the most beautiful people I know would actually look better with a little less makeup covering up their natural beauty.  There are a lot of very pretty people in this world but beautiful is a word that I say when I can truly see they are as equally beautiful inside.

I know when I look in the mirror in the morning my first thoughts are, "gotta ditch these glasses, and hurry and get mascara on!".  I have always hated that I need glasses or contacts to be able to see but there are millions and more who suffer from the same, and I hate that my eyelashes are blonder so they aren't as visible without makeup.  Am I only thinking of a physical attribute when I think of myself being or not being beautiful? YES! I can't even tell you why I feel that way, maybe it's because we all do.  Why don't we focus on us, our true potential, and the inner beauty that makes us who we truly are?  Why is it easier to see another person when they don't feel beautiful and see something amazing? Why are we physically critical of ourselves, or perhaps you are one who picks others apart so you feel better about yourself? 

Have any of you been told you are just as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside?  That has to be the best compliment I could ever hope to attain, and one I don't give to many people.  I have tried to instill in my children that if you have an inner beauty: one that loves all others, one who is willing to sacrifice for others, one who thinks only the best in who they see, and one who is humble in themselves; that their beauty will be much greater than someone who picks others apart, or looks for the bad in another.  Along with those lines we have to be willing to take a stand when we hear another doing just that.  We should love others and ourselves enough to not stand there and listen when someone is trying to tear apart someone else for the gifts and attributes that they were given.

For a moment I want you to do a visualization.  Close your eyes and think of the most beautiful butterfly as it emerges from it's cocoon.  It has just made a complete transformation.  It knows it's different, but doesn't know that it's beauty is so much greater than when it was the caterpillar eating in hopes to reach a point in its life when it would be able to receive this change.  The butterfly gracefully begins to fly and enjoy a different kind of life. Does it look back and see how far it's come in such a short time? Does it know now the physical beauty it has been given? The butterfly goes about it's life being beautiful but it isn't the physical beauty that makes it stand out, it's the fact that all along its beauty inside was waiting to emerge. Was its transformation easy, no! It takes quite some time for a butterfly to emerge, and without that struggle the butterfly would never fly.

We too can receive a similar change. Will it be easy and quick, NO! Will it be worth it, DEFINITELY YES !  When we accept who we are, when we love ourselves and all others, when we can humbly say our best is perfect for us, when we are willing to give to others less fortunate, when we can stand for those who aren't treated well, then we can finally take hold of the change and be willing to fight the struggle that will help us emerge as the beautiful butterfly. My challenge is to let the change begin to happen.  Each of us has a different journey, mine is a personal change that will happen when I accept me for the beauty I can not see in myself.  Our physical beauty will emerge when we become beautiful inside.  When we are truly ourselves we are Be-YOU-tiful.

Have I done any good?

How often do we see another in need, someone needing encouragement, someone needing love or acceptance, someone in need of a ride, someone in need of food, or just a friend?

Today I am reminded of a familiar hymn, " Have I Done Any Good In The World Today?".  A song I love because of its profound way of asking what we have done with our day.  Am I only thinking of myself and my troubles, do I forget to look for others in need?  What if I care more about others than myself? Will focusing on helping others bring me Joy?

I have always loved helping others.  Does it make me feel happier? Yes of course it does.  I listened to this song today and it reminded me that I don't have to always seek Joy in myself.  If I am helping others the Lord will have Joy in me and that should be enough.  I know each time I have had the opportunity to help someone that it brings me Joy that surpasses the need to care about myself.

We live in a world where there is competition all around. We need to compete for our education, to get a job, to find love, to be the most healthy, to be the first to accomplish a task, to be the BEST.... As a young child my parents taught us that no matter how bad our circumstances were that there was always someone who is less fortunate and we can help others even if we don't have the funds to provide for them.

A smile makes a world of difference to someone who has lost their self worth.  Sometimes being a true friend means more than all the money in the world.  Whether you believe in the Holy Ghost or just a premonition, do we listen to the promptings we feel? The ones that make us feel the need to stop and say hi, maybe we feel that a mother needs a break from her kids, maybe we decide to make a batch of cookies and visit someone unexpectedly, or maybe we notice a head hung low and take the time to say hi, smile or tell that person how wonderful they are. Or are we constantly over loading  our lives so that we focus more on the rush of time than those around us?

While listening to this song it brought me so much Joy, Joy in life, Joy in service, and the desire to find someone who is in need.  My challenge for myself is just that, I feel in order to know that the Joy I feel for myself is validated I need to know that I am doing as my savior has shown.  He lived a life of service to others. He loved unconditionally and he gave all he had for each of us.

I am posting this song so that you may listen to it, hear the words and find Joy in serving others.

http://youtu.be/aIeA_5yYgB4

Life is about helping others and I love to make others happy, in it there is a way to find Joy in me!!! When we think of others it helps us to forget how rough we feel our lives are, and it helps lift us up so we may have our burdens made light.  Have I Done Any Good In The World Today?

The Race

I can't think of a better way to start my week, then going to church.  I am what I would call a church junkie! Someone who would attend every sacrament meeting just to hear people talk and share their testimonies.  Aside from my kids struggling to get along on a day I consider very sacred, I love all that it overs me.

Today was like most Sundays only my ward had ward conference, because of a last minute cancellation I had the opportunity to fill in and play the piano for a musical number. I had only practiced a few times and I was completely confident until about five minutes before I got up to play.  I had said a prayer in the morning that I could be able to share the spirit through the song.  Five minutes before I had to go up my arms went numb, I decided to have my daughter help rotate music just in case of issues.

Everything was going smoothly and then I noticed the last page was partially covered, as I reached that point I lost my place for a split second trying to remember the music as it was written, my daughter turned to me and said, " it's okay, and I finished the last half of the last page of the song perfectly.  I was still a bit embarrassed at my fumble, but knew if I had played more than a few times I wouldn't have hesitated with the page covered.

I went to my seat feeling defeated, I had failed, how could I have had my answer to my prayer with a mistake, how could the spirit be felt. As the thought went through my mind my daughter gave me a flat tire, in case you don't know the term she stepped on the back of my shoe as I took a large step, and I looked like a goof who couldn't walk in heels.....my thought was, "can this walk of shame get any worse?" Tears filled my eyes, and I about let them flow free, but just at that moment the stake president got up and gave me a huge compliment.  I still felt defeated and left for just a moment to compose myself, I walked back in, head hung low and listened to the amazing talk about enduring to the end.

I got through the rest of the meeting wishing I had played something different but had thanked my Heavenly Father it wasn't any worse...just then a member of the Ward tapped my shoulder and I looked at him, tears in his eyes he said, "there were two spirit filled talks today, but nothing could compare to the spirit your piano playing brought". I began to tear up, and thanked him for the undeserving compliment. I went throughout the day with other compliments but I knew when he said those words to me that my father in heaven was letting me know on a personal level that he had heard my prayer and it was answered.

The rest of the lessons were amazing, spirit filled lessons, testimonies born, beautiful songs that depicted my life and what I needed to hear.  The last class the president that spoke retold a poem, "The Race Poem". I had heard it before but today the words touched my heart more than ever.  If you haven't read it do, it is a great way to relate it to almost all life's journeys.  The ups and of course the downs.  The story depicts a young boy in a race, and his father is there to cheer him on.  He is winning and excited thinking of how proud his father will be when he crosses the finish line, just then he falls, and he feels a bit defeated but hears a voice telling him to get up and finish the race....it happens over and over, and the last time he falls just lays there wanting to give up, and he hears the familiar voice say, "get up, get up and take your place. You weren't meant for failure here; get up and win the race" the boy rises, and continues to listen as he hears, "get up, you haven't lost at all, for winning is no more than this-to rise each time you fall."  The boy finished the race and because he endured the crowd is cheering him on more than the others just for finishing the race.

I needed this story, it was at that moment that I knew once again my father in heaven loved me and he is the one who cheers me on when life or the struggles in it have led me to want to just lay down and quit the race.  He is the one who sees me for the best.  I today did not do a challenge, why you might ask?

Because I felt Joy in me for finishing the song when I felt defeated.  I had finished the small race I had today.  Sunday was the best way to start my week, through the spirit I found some true Joy in
me!!!

Is she anorexic?

Is that girl anorexic? I think that girls is anorexic! There is no possible way to be that skinny unless she doesn't eat!   Ever heard, said, or thought those words? I am sure if you are a woman it is very common to hear, say or think it...

Why do so many woman worry about if there is another who has a better looking body then them.  Why would we care when someone is extremely thin or toned? Are we jealous? Do we envy that which we are not? Do we feel bad for them? Why is weight such an issue for our society?

I have genes in which I am thin....rarely have I set a goal to exercise everyday and made it past 3 weeks.  I have had those stares at times in my life, I have heard others make those comments about me, do they see what I eat, do they see I don't get to exercise unless on a rare occasion? When I had my oldest child I lost all of my pregnancy weight within 4 weeks, but the only thing I was doing different was nursing.  I remember when she was 6 weeks old we attended church, at that moment I had never had so many looks of shock and disgust in my life.  I remember not caring about my weight or how I looked, heck I had a brand new baby and she was all I cared about.   The whole year I nursed her my family would have people question if I were anorexic, heck I was only 5 pounds less then when I saw the doctor for my first appointment, at 8 weeks, to confirm I was pregnant.

From that time on I hated being me physically, I was judged for being too thin or anorexic, and since then the only time I had anyone say I looked like I was larger than normal was when I had been  going through fertility and had gained 10 pounds from the medications, and my weight was still in a lower end of a healthy BMI for my height.  I have struggled to want to exercise or eat well for this very reason, I got stuck in the rut of what people were thinking of me.  I read a post on Facebook this morning, it states, "the greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think".  Can we say it any louder? I am thin, but haven't taken care of me physically for fear of what others think.  Do I want to be overly thin? NO! Do I want to be healthy and live a long life enjoying my children? YES!!! I want to be the grandma who can physically keep up with my grand kids, and because of neglect for fear of  others thoughts I hope it's still possible.

Today I am going to move forward with a healthier me, not an overly thin one, one who is happy taking care of herself and not ashamed when I do.  I have always loved the toned look, and I completely admire those who can look past what others think, say, and just take care of their physical body.  In order for me to love myself I need to not only love what my Savior sees, but I need to love that I am doing everything I can to take care of that which my father in heaven has given me.

Each day in life brings me a step closer to finding Joy in me, today my step isn't going to be large, I am just going to take care of me physically. Does that mean I will not eat what I like? Or over exercise, NO!!!! I am a firm believer that all things should be done in moderation.  If you want some cake, eat a piece, just not the whole thing.   If you want to exercise to have a fit body should it consume my every thought or action of the day? NO!!!  I don't believe any one person needs to exercise for hours to be thin.  We have too much to live for to focus on it that much.

  I am a 15-25 minute person, why? Because I am a mother of three amazing children, and a wife to the man of my dreams, and I value time with them more then I need to over exert myself.  Am I saying you need to do the same? NO!!! We are all individuals, we all have separate goals and needs in life.  For me I can be grateful I am taking care of myself if I can focus 15 minutes of my day on myself not just that but caring for my physical self.  Yes if I throw an hour Ballerobica class in here in there I am okay, I believe sometimes the best form of therapy is being with great friends and enjoying time to our self. I think we know what we need to do to be our best self, whether it be a 15 minute hard core exercise, or a 3 hour visit to the gym, but don't overly process what others think about you unless there could be an issue.   If there happens to be a health issue get the help you need.  If you do

have an eating disorder: anorexia, juicorexia, bulimia, over eating , addiction, being obese, fear of taking care of our self, there are people who love you and care for your well being and they will help anywhere they can.  If you need to seek medical help do it!

Am I anorexic, or have I ever had an eating disorder, NO!!! Have I judged wrongly for this, YES!  We all do, but is our physical body what life is about? No! We live in a society where we don't always work for that which we want and it makes it easy to view others wrongly.  We don't all have the same make up of genes, and I totally love that saying, "why do we want to fit in, when we were born to shine?". We are born to shine in our body, to be the best we can be, not comparing our looks to another, but putting effort into our physical being because it is a gift from our Heavenly Father, and if we truly love what we were given we would do the best we can to keep it nice.

Love yourself for you, and accept that you may not be perfect, we all have areas where we can work on and today I am only working on me!!!

True friends can make the difference...

I had a dear friend message me today, about my blog, and about me and her feelings towards me....first of all she was extremely nice to do that, for one reason I had no idea how others really perceived me, for the second thing she reminded me of something I have always seemed to be able to remember, but for some reason must have pushed it back in my thoughts....

When you can see yourself the way the Savior does you will see something amazing. I have always tried to look at others with a forgiving heart, with understanding and love.  I am like everyone sometimes it is a struggle, but for the most part positive thinking has been easy for me.

When she sent the comment I felt as if I head been hit hard, I know that my Savior loves us all regardless of what we look like, not for our talents or lack of talents, not because we are perfect, he loves us even when we make mistakes.  He saw something wonderful enough in me to take upon my sins and pains, and at that moment I was perfect.  Perfect through him.

Each one of us was made the way we are for our benefit.  I can never thank him enough for seeing that I had an eternal worth, a very loving act.  I at times struggle to feel like I am important to The Lord, but I know we all do.  Thanks to my friend I remembered that if I turn to The Lord when I feel less worth I can be reminded of that moment when someone loved me enough to make me perfect.

I hope that through my blog I never stop thinking of him, it may take sometime to feel my worth through my own heart, but I know it's possible.  I am a daughter of God, and he loves me, he gives me strengths and talents to help me and others along the journey.  He loves me more than I can even imagine.

I have always been blessed with great friends who have always loved and accepting me even when I don't see the greatness they do.  I believe the friends we choose can affect us in a bigger way than most of us realize.  I think I take you all for granted.  I love each of you.  I just want you to know that I have seen greatness in all of you, and I hope you know that if you are ever struggling that there is at least 2 cheerleaders in the Stand, me and the Savior.  My friends have always helped me to be a better person and they have always given times to be there for them. If you feel you have no one, pray and The Lord will reassure you he is there and is willing to help carry you through your tough days.

Today I am going to tell at least one person that has been in my life how wonderful they are and tell them what they have always meant to me because today when my dear friend did just that for me, I realized I am amazing, and eventually I will see what my Savior does.

Life is like a pile of laundry...

Life has always felt like a pile of laundry...there is always more added to the pile, the end can feel like it's in sight then you have to start right over,  if you put it off today you have twice the work tomorrow, and as a mother you never have just yours to worry about.

What does that mean, I hate laundry but it is always staring me in the face...I can totally relate it to my life...not about hating life, but at times definitely hating parts of it...I realized I am not the only one who feels the struggles I do, but maybe we feel them in a different way or your struggles may be easy for me but extremely hard for you.  I have reached the time in my life where that pile of laundry has really got to be done in order to move onto tomorrow with a smaller load to do.  My purpose isn't to make you think I am comparing myself to the ideal perfect woman because I know there really isn't one....some have great looks, others have great personalities, and yes we all want both.  I am doing this blog for me, so I can find that the me I was born with can bring me Joy, just by doing my best and accepting all that I am and have to offer. I don't believe that physical appearance is what I base perfection on, it's the whole package of how we see ourself . Somewhere in my life I just lost touch with the Joy in myself, and I appreciate all of you for seeing me for my good I can offer.

I guess the first step in my journey is to really focus on what my end goal is....where am I going to find the Joy in the real me?  Prioritizing goals may work. But after brainstorming over that pile of laundry I had today I realized all of my goals can coincide, and all I have to do is make a conscience effort to work on each one.   To do this I believe I need to make time for the most important goals, then add some other less important, then add the positive affirmations to fill in the cracks.

Easier said than done, when you are a mother you can't just focus on just you and your goals, but I know there is a way to juggle it all, have I figured it out? NO, but at times I have felt what it was like. At times I think we all feel that life comes easy.

I know we all have things in our life that make the struggles harder.  Each of us have objects or people that add to our pile of laundry...I am a mother who spends most of her time without any help, not necessarily by choice, but my husband's job doesn't give him the opportunity to be here a lot, in fact most of my married life his work has kept him away from his family for most of the time, a goal we are working on...we plan to have him with a job that allows him to be home every night, and it will be an adjustment for all of us but one I can't wait for.  Because of our situation I sometimes try to overdue it by replacing that which is gone, and let's face it no parent can be both, nor should we expect we can. There is a purpose to a father and one to a mother, I just need to be me and show my children that when I am doing my best the Savior fills the gaps.

I believe as a mother I can make some life goals that are attainable and just for me, I have set goals my whole life but never have had anyone to hold me accountable...I guess that's your job....:). I am going to work on putting my family and spiritual goals as the most important because I know as a mother and a daughter of my Heavenly Father that if I am truly working for that which I desire most I will feel more rewards...now how do I throw myself in that pile?

I guess I need to look in that mirror, the one who sees all my flaws and focus on the good...my step today is to find a strong point, and tell myself how wonderful it is...today it is my eyes.  I have always loved my blue color of eyes, I feel the color pops.  I love that I have long eyelashes when I have mascara on and it makes me happy when I look at them.  I may not be perfect but I do love my eyes and that's a start. That is more than I have said to myself in years, and although it seems like a baby step, it feels great to affirm myself there is something I can see that I love.

Is it possible to truly have Joy in me?

I am starting the blog as a way to answer the very question my blog states....is there a way to find Joy in the real me?

I am a stay at home mom, and have been for 8 years, I worked after my first child was born but as soon as my second came along we knew that my part time job would never cover the cost of child care services, so as a couple we decided I would care for our children.  I became the main focus of guidance my kids had in their journey called life. Am I capable? I believe we all are but it takes time to discover how and what works for us and our children.

I don't know that I truly figured out who I was before being married almost 13 years ago.  I knew on a religious standpoint that I am a daughter of god and my purpose in life is to try to return to my Father in heaven.  I enjoyed life but always felt somewhat out of place.  I loved to have fun but knew life wasn't  just about enjoyment, I loved feeling like I could make my life whatever I wanted....I longed for a life that was centered around my own little family.  I was what you would call the ugly duckling.  I was not nor do I feel I have discovered the physical beauty behind who I am, and I am constantly waiting for that beautiful swan to immerse.  I was me, an athlete, someone longing for true love, a happy person just enjoying all they had, someone who always looked back at life and would realize all the missed opportunities to help me grow on a personal and spiritual level.

As I looked in the mirror today I realized I am further from that which I was seeking 13 years ago.  I am still happy but not all of the time, rarely do I take the time to make myself even look presentable nor care about finding the beautiful swan that has yet to immerse.  I am me, but not.  I am lost within myself.  Not on a religious standpoint.  I believe I know more of my spiritual purpose in life, but I struggle to take hold of that journey, because I can never get past me and my struggles.  I realized all the wrinkles, baggy eyes, dark circles under my eyes and all the physical features I have let go, but most of all I realized my smile was no longer there.  Am I happy, can I possibly be happy with the real me? Therefore I also realized I am not letting my spirit enjoy it's journey in life either. I am not thankful for my physical self in which has given my spirit a chance to live.

I am in charge of my life, no one can make decisions for me.  No one can decide where my life is headed, or what kind of wife or mother I can be.  As I looked into the mirror I realized I have set ideals so far out of reach that the fight has left.  How do I find the desire to be happy with the real me? How can I try to be the perfect wife in my husbands eyes and still be good enough in my eyes? How can I be the perfect mother when I myself am imperfect and struggling with me?

I am going to take a personal journey, one in which I am willing to share and also embarrassed to reveal, but I feel it will not only be rewarding but serve as healing for myself.  I have decided I am going to set goals both attainable and out of reach, not just on a physical standpoint but also to help my spiritual journey in life.  I hope that my life's journey will help at least one person to obtain Joy in the real them, and not go through a life of disappointments trying to please only others.

I am going to find Joy in the real me, and I am going to help others do the same...somewhere along the journey in life I forgot to find Joy in me, I still feel happiness and Joy but in others...my goal is to see that I am the best me I can be.