After months of trying times with my heart I have felt myself slip in and out of a dark hole. Not depression but close to it. Let's face it after one bad thing happening after another and bad news coming from so many things it's hard to always be on the positive end of it. I have felt so alone with this until a few weeks ago when my dad suffered his massive heart attack. I now see him going through so many similar things as me and some far worse. It is so hard not being able to physically take charge of and take care of everything. I have never felt so helpless, it isn't helplessness for myself but for the fact I want to help someone else.
This makes me think of my Savior. He suffered so many things for each of us and at times must feel helpless as he watches us constantly turn to something or someone else to help us out of our trial. He loves us unconditionally and gave his life for us, all because of love. He knows us all more than we probably know ourselves and has already taken all that we have been through on. It makes me wonder why it is human nature to walk away from the freedom he offers us.
I have never been perfect and have never claimed to be. I do my best like all of you, and at times doing my best isn't always the right thing. I have felt those awful burdens associated with the weight of sin, the loneliness, the pains both physical and spiritual, and although I trust the Lord to take them from me I struggle with turning them completely over to him. I am capable of letting go and finding Hope in the darkness. He is the light that can take us out of the shadows and into a better place. He is the only person who can bring truth to our souls. He is our constant cheerleader who sits not in the limelight but right beside us, waiting to carry us when needed.
Hope is always here! He will never abandon us because through him there is always a chance. A chance to overcome an addiction, sin, depression, loneliness, pain both physical and spiritual, financial struggles, you name it he will always give us Hope. I may not have it all together and I have struggled so much to overcome trials but he has been there to lift me when I could no longer take a step forward. He has lifted me when I was stuck in a world of self pity when he showed me another who as in more need than me. He comforts me daily when I feel I can no longer go on, he is my Savior, my best friend and my redeemer! He has given me light today when I needed it and I will always look to him for strength. Thanks to his mercy I may be given a chance to become better and live a full life. I owe him all that I have and I want the world to know I know he is there for each of us, he is my HOPE!
Friday, September 4, 2015
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Healing the Heart
Whereto start? I have been missing in action for quite some time because of over working myself, family and health issues that were brought out over the last year. I took on two jobs last year and was unable to devote an ounce of time to myself or family. I had totally lost myself in a different way than before. I had become a carrier oriented woman who thought only about making enough money to cover bills and expenses. I had forgot I am on a journey to discover my true self and to love who I was born to be. I had actually forgotten my place in this world, a MOTHER.
That all changed 9 months ago, January 2015. I started having pass out spells at work and home. It had become a little scary at times and all I knew was that it felt like it had something to do with my blood pressure because it felt like my heart would almost stop beating. I went to the doctor because of bruising on my body and they found my platelets were low, low enough that they started watching me for pre-leukemia. It was extremely scary and it was out of my control. Shortly after finding this out my husband and I were asked to be Ma and Pa for a trek family. Trek, for those who may not know what it is, is a reenactment of part of the Mormon handcart journey to Utah. We accepted the call knowing I may have health issues, but not knowing how bad they really were.
Fast forward to June, 2015. Trek was weeks away and I was starting to have chest pains that would never go away. I had had them for 17 years on and off and had always been told my health was perfect, so to have them continue and not improve was hard. Two weeks prior to trek I had been playing catch with my youngest while we waited for my older son's baseball practice to get done, when my chest pains begun, so badly that I couldn't stand and felt like passing out. It took me about 10 minutes to get up the strength to drive home. With help from my oldest I was able to get tot the couch. I remained on the couch for 45 minutes waiting for my husband to get home. It went on fro almost 4 hours, not a good thing but I was scared to go in to the doctor because I didn't want to miss trek. We chose to have me see the doctor in the morning about it, and they did an EKG and blood test, neither showed signs of a heart attack and I was told it was probably panic attack. I couldn't believe that playing catch could cause a panic attack so I brushed it off like nothing.
The night before trek we held my older son's birthday party where we played all night outside. I felt extremely fatigued the next morning but got up early to make sure my house was in order and that I had everything ready. I felt uneasy the whole morning and I told my husband over and over something felt wrong. We met our family and headed up the Rocky Dugway in Mantua, UT. We were overly excited and eager to start the four day journey with this group of kids we had truly grown to love. We hadn't gone long before we had a few of our family members fall ill, weak from not eating enough or weak from the strenuous journey uphill. I volunteered o pull the rope at the front and my husband joined in. He quickly felt weak and so switched out one of the boys. I pulled the rope for the majority of the time so I felt the weight of the cart and those items we were carrying. I had such a great time pushing myself to help my family and it was so much fun getting to know the young men who pulled along side of me. When we got to the top of the hill we rested for a little bit because we were going to begin the Women's pull.
We started the women's pull with me offering a prayer, I asked that those we chose to take with us as a memory of what trek was would be there to help pull the cart, then I told them of a pioneer story to help give them added strength. We began the journey and my girls still felt pretty weak. I had to not only push the cart but lift and hold it so they could complete the task of pushing the overly full cart with 5 of us. The journey was extremely hard but as we made out way around the bend we were greeted by special members of our stake that represented the angels who helped along the way. We got about three fourths the way up when I started to black out so I switched the girls up front with me with the girls in the back. I told the girls I wasn't feeling the best and offered a quick prayer and pleaded with my father in heaven to give me the strength to pull the cart until we had help arrive. Within two minutes I saw my husband running down the hill towards me, tear were in his eyes when he saw me and he knew I wasn't ok. He gave me a quick kiss and he and one of our boys took hold of the rope and helped us pull. When we had reached near the top of the hill I started passing out and yelled out for them to stop, I caught a quick breathe and we finished the journey.
My husband quickly grabbed our Bishop to help give me a blessing. I told them my chest was hurting and I felt like something was wrong with my blood pressure. Minutes later I was on the ground, I had nurses, youth and trek families trying to cool me down for fear I had heat exhaustion. I had a weak pulse, so they made me ride in the cart to get to camp. When I got there they started IV's and when they had started the third bag I started feeling way worse. I knew I had drank about 78 ounces of fluids, but we had pulled in the 98 degree weather all day. I didn't feel right, and then passed out in the bathroom with my husband. Next thing I knew I was being tapped on the cheek while riding a ranger down the mountain to keep me conscious.
I was taken by ambulance to the hospital where they gave me 4 more units of fluid that didn't help. My chest was in extreme pain and they kept telling me my heart was fine, until the next morning and they noticed my veins in my neck were over sized. I was taken by a second ambulance to another hospital that had a cardiac unit. I don't remember much of that day, but they took me in for testing and we had a few family members come visit. I woke late in the evening when the doctor came in to tell us how serious my heart condition was. I have Rheumatic Mitral Stenosis. Its scarring in the heart caused from rheumatic fever. It was so bad my valve wasn't getting proper blood flow to my body, and I was told I was lucky to be a live as bad as it was with the trek conditions on my body.
Over the course of five more days they determined my valve needed to wait to be replaced and sent me home and scheduled a stress test a week later. The stress test showed it was severe and needed a Valvuloplasty procedure done to open my valve up more. I waited 8 weeks and finally got it done, which I am recovering from at the moment. I still have low platelets which I have received many medicines, iron and transfusions for to help with, and will follow up with a hematologists at the end of the month and hopefully the results will still be consistent with the auto-immune disease ITP and not pre-leukemia. On top of it my dad suffered a massive heart attack three weeks ago because of ventricular fibrillation. We are lucky to have him here and I consider it a blessing it happened while he was with us because I knew exactly what he was going through because of my own heart condition. He is recovering and hopefully will be back to new in no time.
I am hoping to get back and running on the blog because I have so much I want to share about my life, my learning and where I hope it takes me. I want to share my journey to find joy in the real me so you have the chance to do the same for yourself.
That all changed 9 months ago, January 2015. I started having pass out spells at work and home. It had become a little scary at times and all I knew was that it felt like it had something to do with my blood pressure because it felt like my heart would almost stop beating. I went to the doctor because of bruising on my body and they found my platelets were low, low enough that they started watching me for pre-leukemia. It was extremely scary and it was out of my control. Shortly after finding this out my husband and I were asked to be Ma and Pa for a trek family. Trek, for those who may not know what it is, is a reenactment of part of the Mormon handcart journey to Utah. We accepted the call knowing I may have health issues, but not knowing how bad they really were.
Fast forward to June, 2015. Trek was weeks away and I was starting to have chest pains that would never go away. I had had them for 17 years on and off and had always been told my health was perfect, so to have them continue and not improve was hard. Two weeks prior to trek I had been playing catch with my youngest while we waited for my older son's baseball practice to get done, when my chest pains begun, so badly that I couldn't stand and felt like passing out. It took me about 10 minutes to get up the strength to drive home. With help from my oldest I was able to get tot the couch. I remained on the couch for 45 minutes waiting for my husband to get home. It went on fro almost 4 hours, not a good thing but I was scared to go in to the doctor because I didn't want to miss trek. We chose to have me see the doctor in the morning about it, and they did an EKG and blood test, neither showed signs of a heart attack and I was told it was probably panic attack. I couldn't believe that playing catch could cause a panic attack so I brushed it off like nothing.
The night before trek we held my older son's birthday party where we played all night outside. I felt extremely fatigued the next morning but got up early to make sure my house was in order and that I had everything ready. I felt uneasy the whole morning and I told my husband over and over something felt wrong. We met our family and headed up the Rocky Dugway in Mantua, UT. We were overly excited and eager to start the four day journey with this group of kids we had truly grown to love. We hadn't gone long before we had a few of our family members fall ill, weak from not eating enough or weak from the strenuous journey uphill. I volunteered o pull the rope at the front and my husband joined in. He quickly felt weak and so switched out one of the boys. I pulled the rope for the majority of the time so I felt the weight of the cart and those items we were carrying. I had such a great time pushing myself to help my family and it was so much fun getting to know the young men who pulled along side of me. When we got to the top of the hill we rested for a little bit because we were going to begin the Women's pull.
We started the women's pull with me offering a prayer, I asked that those we chose to take with us as a memory of what trek was would be there to help pull the cart, then I told them of a pioneer story to help give them added strength. We began the journey and my girls still felt pretty weak. I had to not only push the cart but lift and hold it so they could complete the task of pushing the overly full cart with 5 of us. The journey was extremely hard but as we made out way around the bend we were greeted by special members of our stake that represented the angels who helped along the way. We got about three fourths the way up when I started to black out so I switched the girls up front with me with the girls in the back. I told the girls I wasn't feeling the best and offered a quick prayer and pleaded with my father in heaven to give me the strength to pull the cart until we had help arrive. Within two minutes I saw my husband running down the hill towards me, tear were in his eyes when he saw me and he knew I wasn't ok. He gave me a quick kiss and he and one of our boys took hold of the rope and helped us pull. When we had reached near the top of the hill I started passing out and yelled out for them to stop, I caught a quick breathe and we finished the journey.
My husband quickly grabbed our Bishop to help give me a blessing. I told them my chest was hurting and I felt like something was wrong with my blood pressure. Minutes later I was on the ground, I had nurses, youth and trek families trying to cool me down for fear I had heat exhaustion. I had a weak pulse, so they made me ride in the cart to get to camp. When I got there they started IV's and when they had started the third bag I started feeling way worse. I knew I had drank about 78 ounces of fluids, but we had pulled in the 98 degree weather all day. I didn't feel right, and then passed out in the bathroom with my husband. Next thing I knew I was being tapped on the cheek while riding a ranger down the mountain to keep me conscious.
I was taken by ambulance to the hospital where they gave me 4 more units of fluid that didn't help. My chest was in extreme pain and they kept telling me my heart was fine, until the next morning and they noticed my veins in my neck were over sized. I was taken by a second ambulance to another hospital that had a cardiac unit. I don't remember much of that day, but they took me in for testing and we had a few family members come visit. I woke late in the evening when the doctor came in to tell us how serious my heart condition was. I have Rheumatic Mitral Stenosis. Its scarring in the heart caused from rheumatic fever. It was so bad my valve wasn't getting proper blood flow to my body, and I was told I was lucky to be a live as bad as it was with the trek conditions on my body.
Over the course of five more days they determined my valve needed to wait to be replaced and sent me home and scheduled a stress test a week later. The stress test showed it was severe and needed a Valvuloplasty procedure done to open my valve up more. I waited 8 weeks and finally got it done, which I am recovering from at the moment. I still have low platelets which I have received many medicines, iron and transfusions for to help with, and will follow up with a hematologists at the end of the month and hopefully the results will still be consistent with the auto-immune disease ITP and not pre-leukemia. On top of it my dad suffered a massive heart attack three weeks ago because of ventricular fibrillation. We are lucky to have him here and I consider it a blessing it happened while he was with us because I knew exactly what he was going through because of my own heart condition. He is recovering and hopefully will be back to new in no time.
I am hoping to get back and running on the blog because I have so much I want to share about my life, my learning and where I hope it takes me. I want to share my journey to find joy in the real me so you have the chance to do the same for yourself.
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